Family reunion

Wow, it's been a long time since I blogged! Of course, my last post was about waiting and that is exactly what we are still doing. The court system in it's infinite wisdom decided to give the biological mother of the children we might adopt 90 more days to fulfill the requirements that she didn't do for the last 10 months. So, we continue to wait.

I just returned from a family reunion. Every other year, my Dad's brother and 3 sisters and their families get together somewhere during the summer and have a short vacation. This year it was at Gulf Shores Alabama. They were all over Facebook talking about going to the beach. Funny for me, since I live on the beach. For us, it was simply a time to go be with family.

I believe that there were around 55 people there or so. We were missing one of my cousins (because she is very pregnant and her doctor wouldn't let her travel). It is a big family. All of my cousins seem to have no problem having whatever children they want. Most of them have at least 3. The ones who have less than 3 just got started. Heck, one of them just got married three years ago and she already has 2.

I would love to say that I have progressed enough to never have any difficult feelings at this gathering. I love seeing everyone and this family and it's closeness is one of the reasons I have so desperately wanted a family of my own. But, there are moments as I look around at everyone's children that my reality hits me once again. There they are with theirs and here I am with nothing. Ouch. I am one of the oldest cousins. My cousins that are in the same age range have children getting ready to graduate from high school and in college. One is even a step-grandparent.

Why is it that picture time seems to be the biggest reminder? When they get the little families together to take a picture, no one ever seems to think to ask Steve and I for a picture. We just aren't considered a family yet. I guess we never will be if we remain childless. No one means anything by it. I know that. At least a couple of my Aunts asked about the adoption possibilities. But, not one of my cousins asked me how that was going or how we are doing after losing all our embryos last year and all chances of getting pregnant. My cousin's wife did. God bless her! I really think it is just that there is no way they can get what we have been through in the last year.

My brother has a little girl of his own and a stepson now. We all stayed together in a condo. Every morning, the first little face I saw was my grinning adorable 10 month old niece. As I watched how my sister in law had to miss a lot of the activities and how this little person has taken over their lives, I ached again. I haven't felt that ache in a long time. Yes, I know a child completely changes your life. I know my sister in law was very upset her vacation didn't go the way she had hoped because my niece's schedule got in the way. I would give anything for that problem. The first morning I woke up here to silence and no little smiling face and giggle, it was downright depressing. Why oh why Lord do all my cousins seem to have as many children as they want, but not us? Why do we have to bear this burden? And, why is it that some of those very people who have the children are actually upset by what they do to their lives? They don't get it like I do. They just got the children they asked for and don't appreciate what a precious miracle that is. To hear someone complain about how hard it is to raise a teenager or what a hassle a baby's schedule can be for a new Mom just tears me up. I'd give anything for that. Anything.

Family is wonderful. I wouldn't trade the one I have for anything. Both my mother's and my father's families are close and have a great time together. Who can say that? I am very blessed. Spending time with them is a reminder, once again, how the family continues to grow everywhere but in my home. The legend and the traditions will be passed down everywhere but here. I continue to have it easier than all my cousins who have to sacrifice for their children. And I can't stand it. How many more family gatherings will I attend as a family of 2? For the rest of my life? How many more family pictures will I be passed aside because, after all, I have no children and that is what it is all about, anyway?

One of the mornings that I was having a particularly hard time with all of this, I opened my devotional book to that day's and when I saw the scripture I thought, "You have got to be kidding me!" It was 1 Samuel and the story of Hannah. The devotional book is on Patience. That day's point was that we have to be patient for God to do what He knows is right in His time. I knew God was speaking directly to me about how I was feeling. It does no good for me to feel sorry for myself. In the end, I am happy for my cousins and my brother. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. God loves me and I have to be patient. He knows how bad this hurts me and how difficult these family gatherings can be. I should be glad I have this family. I love my cousins kids. They are awesome. I really love my nephew and niece, big time. I do have things to be grateful for when it comes to family. And, that is what I am going to focus on. Not on what I am missing. Then I can look forward to the next time we get to be together.

Waiting

I know there is no such thing as coincidence in the life of a Christ Follower. Several sermons and things I have come across in my quiet times have been about waiting lately. Like that isn't one lesson I have been taught in excrutiating detail in my life! I am usually such a patient person. Really. It is one thing I got from my Dad. As a teacher, I had classes that were full of students that could never behaviorally make it in a "regular" classroom. I believe one year I was dubbed "The Saint" by many of the teachers at my school. They were some difficult students! But, I loved them and had infinite patience with them. I have no problem waiting in lines...something that drives my husband bananas.

However, when it comes to waiting on life's next step, I have not found that to be something that I don't do so well. When everyone else was married, but I was still single, I wasn't too good at that. I have a trait I inherited from Mom that wants to get things done. The amount of work I have put into trying to be a parent is staggering when I think about it. I remember the first time I got the packet to begin the process of foreign adoption. I had already done research about which agency to adopt with. Then, I get this paperwork...overwhelming! I cried. It was so complicated. But, I filled it out. I made the phone calls. I worked at it. I wasn't really waiting. I was doing.

When that fell through and we decided to adopt embryos, again, I did research, I filled out paperwork, I made phone calls, I wrote e-mails, I organized a garage sale, (to raise money) I worked at it. I wasn't really waiting. I was doing.

Somewhere in the middle of all that doing, I suddenly realized that I wasn't able to move any further. We had the embryos. They were waiting a few miles away for us. But, we had no way to pay for the expensive medical procedures. So, I was really upset. At least this time, in the process of waiting, I turned where I should have more often. I prayed to God. I begged him to take away the ache or give me something to help. I remember that our Pastor reminds us repeatedly that the Bible has answers to everything. Okay. Really? To my infertility? Fine. I proceeded to sit down at my computer and research every woman I could find who dealt with this in the Bible. Many, many hours, days and months later, I found myself with a 170 page Bible study, and a changed heart. God used my pain to teach me more about him, trust, and waiting.

Our Pastor said something last weekend that really struck me. Our impatience is really a lack of trust. Ouch. Yep. If I really trust God, I won't mind waiting on him. Because, in the end I know that he will come up with something immeasurably better than I am capable of.

So, here I am in this stage of our journey. We know nothing more about the possible adoption. We have to continue our daily routine and life goes on. Each day brings more contentment with the life we have right now. And, that is a good thing. Another thing the Pastor said was "Waiting time is not wasted time." Aha. Now, I start to see it.

All this time of waiting. The disappointments, the heartache and the confusion. It wasn't wasted time. God has been creating something new in me. I look back at who I was 5 years ago and the woman who writes this right now is NOT that woman any more. I am not worried about the situation that we are waiting for. I know that God is in control. And, this time, I am not saying that with my mouth but trying to work out some deal behind the scenes. I truly trust he knows what he is doing. I don't know why he would bring this possibility into our lives just to have it be nothing any more than I know why he led us to adopt embryos and lose all of them, never to get pregnant. But, I do know that he is using that time. I have so much less impatience now. Conversely, I have so much more trust in him. I have my relationship with Jesus. That is something that I was missing for so many messed up years of my life. I knew I had a deep hole in my soul that needed something. I tried every solution in the book. Nothing worked until I found this. Now that I have that, no matter what else happens, I am at peace. I have my questions. I have my moments. I am human. I am beginning to come out on the other side of this darkness that has been in our lives for the last year and realize that God was using that time, too. It had purpose, as painful and hard as it has been. He wanted me to be closer to and trust him more. It worked. I do. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I have the person who does as my best friend. I can rest in that. And, I can wait with the expectation that he has something amazing in mind.

Hope or Fear?

My life has been at peace. Oh, there have been questions, and pain and occasional heartache, but I learned to turn it all over to God and be content with the life He has planned for us, without children. We are 43 after all. All of my friends are watching their nests empty. It won't be too long until I will watch them start to become grandparents. Here we are, facing whether or not God wants us to stay where we are or attempt to do what it takes to adopt two little ones. Do we dare hope? So much hope has been destroyed time and time again in this journey. It makes it very difficult to even think something actually could work out for us. It never has no matter how much we tried. I was starting to believe that God's message to me was that our infertility was his plan and that he would use me to minister to other women suffering from infertility. I still can and will, no matter what happens. I will never, ever be able to forget how this hurts. This ache that you feel and the anguish that it causes, I will always remember that. So, I can still love, encourage and minister to other women who go through that. I am just so confused about what God is trying to do with my life. So is my husband. We have always wondered what God is trying to teach us through this. We learned a lot about each other and how supportive we can be and how we will persevere in this commitment to each other. We learned to trust God, even when there are no answers and nothing makes sense. We learned to love each other when the hurt is so great that you sincerely believe you could die of a broken heart. I learned to advocate for us. That silent minority that sits in our church pews and hurts desperately every time the pastor talks about family and parenting. We learned that the miracle of God is not rescuing you from your pain, but holding you in his arms all the way through it.

So, infertility has grown our relationship and our character. I have said before and totally mean it...I am thankful we had to go through it. Isn't that crazy? But, I would not be the woman I am today if I hadn't. I would not know God the way I do if he didn't bring me through this. My husband and I would not have the relationship we have today if we hadn't gone through it together. That has been our reality and we were beginning to feel pretty okay with that.

What do we do now? We are both scared. Scared we don't have any time to prepare for this. Scared the court system will be broken and somehow return the children to a home that wasn't fit for them in the first place. Scared that we will begin to try to make this work and have another door slammed in our faces. Scared that it will all work and we will suddenly find ourselves parents and have no idea what we are doing, no finances to support it, or find out we made a mistake. We have a lot of fears. I am reminded of I John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear... Fear comes from Satan, not God. IF this is God's will and he works out all the many obstacles that are in the way for this to truly happen, I am sure we will fall in love with those children. And, that will rid us of all the fears that we have. Besides, we know that God is in control. Another thing we learned in the last 13 years of infertility. He is able to do anything, and through him, so are we. That includes handling the disappointment of another failed attempt to become parents. That is my hope right now.

There is so much happening

I haven't written in a while, because our life has been crazy! We have been resolved to believing and becoming content with a family of two. This blog is one way that I am learning to deal with that reality. Then, the bombshell gets dropped.

I was at a party with old friends of mine that I used to work with. One of them told me that she needed to talk to me. I could tell it was of an important nature. So, later in the party, we had some private time. She explained to me that one of her good friends who has 4 children of her own has taken in 2 children from a relative because they were removed from their home. It seems that the courts will dissolve the parental rights for these children at some point. When that happens, she wants to find a Christian home to adopt the children. Not only that, but the toddler has special needs and the woman is concerned that the family is able handle that.

I have learned in the last 13 years to take one day at a time. God is in control. I don't know if this has come up because it is the children that we were meant to be the parents of all along, or if it a chance for us to become more like Christ...to learn to lean on him more and grow closer to him. But, I don't believe in coincidence for Christ followers. This has been brought into our lives for a reason.

My husband is hurting. This situation has dredged up the fact that he has really been through a lot of hope and let down in the last year. He doesn't want to hope again. It could mean another devastation. I believe it is a step of faith. God brings you a possibility, you need to step through that door and trust he will take care of the rest.

But, it is a huge deal. A toddler with special needs who has been through abuse, and a baby. All at once. Possibly in the next few months. Are we ready for that? We expected a lot of time to prepare. We might not get that in this situation.

Facing life without a child. That is what I named this blog. I believed that was what we were doing. I don't know how to deal with the possibility God had other plans. How do you know what is God's will and what is your emotion? How do you decide to make a plan to move in any direction when all of it is so surreal you can barely wrap your head around it? Could this be what God had planned all along? Do I want to put any hopes on something that could hurt so much if it doesn't work out? Where do we go from here?

Pinch me...is this for real?

Sometimes I genuinely wonder if I am going to wake up at some point and find out I am really a young married woman just waiting for what life is going to offer. The reality that I will not be a Mom sometimes just isn't present in my brain. So many women that I talk to who have dealt with my pain had a happy ending. The fertility treatment worked. The adoption went through. They got pregnant against all odds. It is a rare thing that I speak with a women who is in the place that I find myself most likely to be. I will be the 50 year old who never had children. Who has no grandchildren to dote on. Who makes a life that is focused on...what? My career is a God blessing, that is for sure. Who could have known but him that I would so desperately need to know that I contribute to the lives of children every single day? When I went into this field, I had no idea they would be the only children I would have. He knew, though.

It's like when I talked to my mother about her Mother's Day weekend and she mentioned that she got her first Grandmother card this year. Wow. That's right. I never even thought about that. It is like a badge of honor for her. And, rightly so. Somehow, that is hard for me. Not that I am not thrilled for my brother, sister in law and both of my parents. I would NEVER want anyone else to go through what we have been through.

I also recall running into one of the teachers I used to work with at the Christian book store a few months ago. I was showing off the pictures of my little embryos that had been implanted...telling her they were my first baby pictures. I plan to see her this weekend at a party for the first time since then. She probably won't know what to say. We all had such high hopes.

Sometimes, this whole ride just doesn't seem real to me. Like, this can't possibly be the end of the story. So, there you are, Renee, mother of no one. Family of 2. This is it. Really? Are you sure? Because this is just not what I pictured in my head when I was 16. Can this really be?

Yes. It is. I am 43. FORTY THREE! This is my life. I am not going to wake up and suddenly find out this is a bad nightmare. But, I WILL wake up and find that I am in Heaven one day. Either by meeting up with Jesus in the air or dying and finding my way there that way. When I get there, I won't have this pain or confusion any more. In Heaven, there will be no mothers! We will all be brothers and sisters in Christ. I will be free. Awesome. That is the reality I am looking forward to for sure.

Grateful to my Pastor

So, for several years now I had it in my heart to talk to my pastor about Mother's Day. Every year as it approaches I think I will do it, but I never felt like it was the right moment or if I would even know what to say. But, this year, having just led a Bible study of women who are also dealing with infertility, I felt like I needed to speak for all of us. So, I wrote him a heartfelt e-mail describing how difficult this day is for us. I asked him if he could please just say a prayer for us and help us feel a part of the church community for once on Mother's Day, it wouldn't be so painful.

We went to church Saturday night because we thought it would be easier. They did the Most Mature Mother, and the Newest Mother. Then, the pastor asked all the mothers to stand. What?! I actually mentioned to him how that was so painful when he does that. I couldn't believe he was doing it again. But, then, he said, "But before I pray for the Mothers, I would like one other group of women to stand with them. If you are a wife who has not been able to have a child yet, please join these women in standing. I would like to pray for you."

I was so touched. He listened and he did something that finally made me feel like I was being honored, belonged and was loved on this day I dread all year. Even though this is my first Mother's Day since we stopped trying to find a way to be parents, it was so much better because of that one small gesture. I am so grateful to him for what he did.

As Mother's Day approaches...

It is funny how America has so commercialized to death every single holiday. No sooner has the Halloween stuff been taken off the shelves that Christmas is all in your face. (Forget Thanksgiving, no time for that.) Christmas needles are still yet to be swept up from the ailes when they put Valentine's decorations, candy and cards everywhere...pressuring even the least sentimental of men to do something outrageous to prove his love this one day a year to his wife. (Like all the other days don't count.)

But, the one day that is so hard for so many childless women is Mother's Day. Oh, don't get me wrong. I am so happy that I have an opportunity to remind my mother how instrumental she was in shaping the woman that I am today, (like all the other days in the year don't count!) I am also beginning the tradition of honoring my Sister-n-Law who is mother to the only two children I will have the privilege of calling family and hopefully will have some bond with and influence on, my niece and nephew.

Being a church going Christ follower is the best thing a person could ask for. I don't know how people face life without it. However, on this one day in particular, I know many infertile women who just don't go. I noticed last week on the big screens a new montage of names for mothers...building up to the big day. Here we go, I thought. Another day to feel like a complete leper amounst the normal people. If they have the mothers stand up again this year, I think I will scream. Why don't they have, "You've made a difference in someone's life" Day? How about that? There are numerous women out there who have given birth who don't really deserve any pats on the back. They haven't loved their children or put them first. Don't I deserve a day to recognize me and everything I've contributed to this world? What about "MY" day?

Okay, that sounds a bit selfish, I know. I have endured at least 12 Mother's days when I went from "Someday that will be me," to "I wonder when that will be me?" to "Wow, that will never be me." They praise the oldest Mom...good for her. Still kicking after all these decades and a monument to the legacy she has left her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. God bless her for still coming out to church and worshiping on this fine day. And, there is the newest Mom. I believe last year there was a woman who had given birth like 3 days prior! Impressive. So quick to get your and your little bundle into God's house. A great way to start. Yea Moms.

Even that word hurts me. You know? Especially when I hear little children call out, "Mommy." Something about that makes me ache. And, this one day, it is a like a huge spotlight is on that word and everyone who fits it. Which also leaves me outside in the dark. It is a hard day. More than any mother could ever imagine. For you, it is your day of honor. And, you deserve it. Don't get me wrong. Being a Mom is a privilege and a God given responsibility and you should get honored every single day of the year, if you ask me. It just serves as a reminder at least once a year that I missed out on one of the greatest things life has to offer a woman. And, that doesn't feel too good.

And, Father's Day is just around the corner...

Continually on the "outside"

People with children have no idea what a huge club they belong to. You just don't think of it. There is not a day that goes by that I am not reminded I don't belong to that club. It is the little things, and sometimes it is the big things. Example? Sitting at a party and the subject of whether or not tattoos are painful comes up. One of the ladies tells the other, "well you survived childbirth. You can handle anything." Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me that I don't know anything about that. I am one woman who will never know. Or, how about the day in church when he preached about honoring parents and at the end had all parents stand up so they can be prayed for? A wonderful guesture, and nothing wrong with it either. But, it is a reminder for every infertile couple sitting in that church that we do not belong. One of my friends got up and left at that point. She couldn't take it. Every time I am asked if I need child care for an event at church, sit in a party and listen to everyone talk about their children, or pretty much go anywhere, any day I am reminded I don't belong.

Facebook is one of the worst. I know friends who have decided they can't handle it and stopped going on there. You never know when one of your friends is going to pop up a video of their latest ultrasound. Most of my friends have pictures of their children right on their posts. So, every time they answer me or their news feed comes up...there is the picture of their happy little family. Complaints about late night feedings, running all over the place taking children to their activities, and cute little quotes from their mini-me's. These litter the landscape of the Facebook world. It is what these people's lives are about. What do I have to talk about? Me. The weather. I don't belong.

Don't get me wrong. I don't blame any of those people. They should be into their kids. They should have their lives center on what they can do for their children. That is what a good parent does. No one but an infertile couple can understand how much you are reminded on a daily basis that you cannot understand or relate to that life. And, it isn't going to go away. The day will come I will have to sit and listen to all my friends rave about their grandchildren, (the day is coming quite quickly as a matter of fact. My friends are in their 40's and 50's. Some of them are grandparents already.) I'll be left out of that club, too.

I remember in High School how hard it was to be left out of something when you wanted so bad to belong. This is a little different because I am not insecure or trying to belong. What choice do I have? I cannot join this club no matter how much everyone else would like me to be able to. I will never fit into this world of it's parents and children. I have heard it said behind the pulpit...God's plan for a family is a Dad, a Mom and their children. This society is based on the home. My home just isn't the kind the keeps society going. And, it is a home that will never fit the "norm". It is what it is. It is just weird to be so much on the "outside" of the life that 90% of the world lives.

Baby showers

I never want this to be a place where I sound like I am whining or complaining. Some things are just difficult when you are childless. One of those things is baby showers. Some of them, I can avoid. If an aquaintance at work has a shower, I don't have to go to those. And, I don't. I probably seem like a cold person to some of the women at work whom I have had a decent relationship and yet didn't come to their shower. Why is it so difficult for people to figure out? Let's see. How about a description of your typical baby shower.

Cute little baby feet or baby animals decorating table clothes and streamers. A lovely cake announcing "It's a Girl!" or, "It's a Boy!" All women, usually, giggling and talking about motherhood to the mother-to-be, claiming it is the most wonderful thing a woman will ever do. You eat the food and listen to them drone on and on about what their pregnancy was like, what being a mother of a newborn is like, and sharing non-stop advice about everything to the guest of honor. Then, there are often party games where the focus is the new baby and what he/she will be like. Best of all, watching a person open a myriad assortment of baby gifts...cute little miniature outfits, equipment and the like. An amazing celebration of the upcoming blessing.

For me, and all other women out there without children, it is paramount to a woman who is dying of cancer sitting through a party to celebrate the perfect health of her friend. There is no way for someone to understand how that feels unless you have been there.

I went to one on Saturday. This one couldn't be avoided. It was for a girl whom I have spoken to many times about my infertility. She was having major problems getting pregnant her second time, and she needed someone to confide in. We worked together, but we became friends. The shower was thrown by friends of mine. I just couldn't say no. Thank goodness, this one was a little easier to take. It was a pool party. There were men there, not just girls. So, the conversations were not focused on babies, motherhood and the like. We are all teachers, so much of the conversation was about school. It did not torture me. And, although I did have to sit through her reading cards with everyone's advice about being a parent, (I had to fill one out, too! Like I have anything to tell a Mom!!) and through watching her open her little baby clothes, tubs, and the like, it wasn't the hardest one that I have been through.

I have another invitation sitting next to the computer. I am looking at it right now. Another shower. I am 43. When will this stop? Knowing this Mom-t0-be, who wasn't sure if she could ever get pregnant, this shower will be one of those all girl, giggling and talking about motherhood kind of showers. I really care about this girl, so I have to go. I haven't answered the RSVP yet. I don't know what I am waiting for. A creative plan to get out of it?

Another way to describe this? It would be very similar to going to a party where everyone else was from a different country than you and they all speak another language. So, you sit in this party where you really can't understand a word they are saying. They laugh, hug, and enjoy each other while you sit there feeling completely left out, confused, and out of place. That is the infertile woman's experience at a baby shower.

Oh, and another of my favorite parts is going shopping for the gift. Oh yeah, walking around in a baby department or at a baby store is so much fun for me. It doesn't hurt at all that I will never have to go there for myself.

I usually break down when I leave the showers. I didn't cry Saturday. We'll see how I handle the next one. I wish there was a way to get people to understand. How selfish you must sound if you beg out of a baby shower because you "just can't handle it." I can't be that girl. It is MUCH harder than I can explain here, though. God has helped me heal from a lot of the pain that I had. But, the showers still remain a very difficult place for me. I'll never be that Mom-to-be. I'll never throw one for my daughter as she is ready to make me a Grandma. I go to them as a foreigner...an outsider. A person who sits on the sidelines and watches from an emotional distance. I can cheer on the team, but I will never get out there and play. And playing was all I ever dreamed of.

I just can't find a way to enjoy them, no matter how hard I try. Baby showers. What woman doesn't love a baby shower? The infertile woman, that's who.

Loving someone else's child

My day started as I lay in the dark of my cozy bedroom waiting for the alarm to signal I would have to leave this comfort to face the coffee pot and my morning routine. I heard my phone indicate that I was receiving a text message. Who would text me at such an hour? As I rose to deal with the chores of my day, I reached for my phone and looked at the screen. The name startled me. The girl is 16 and a former student at my Middle School. We became very close as she visited my Guidance Department every single day for lunch. Her story unfolded in the arms of my concern and genuine interest in her life. She has been dealt so much heartache and trials in her very short life. Her parents, as so many these days have done, did not stay together. In fact, her Mom has been with more men than you can count on one hand. She was left to live with the father and step mother. Even at a very young age, she was watching younger step siblings, because no one else was. They lived in a car for a year and she didn't go to school. There was arguing and drinking. She was the object of her father's wrath and violence. Eventually, the schools found out and she was sent to a hopeful new start with her mother.

Things didn't change much. Her mother didn't hit her. She did worse. She says things to her that hurt in ways that physical pain cannot touch. The girl had been in that situation for a couple of years when I started getting to know her. I began to see a girl with bright eyes and a beautiful smile. She was like a tiger who was timid and afraid of the unknown person in front of her. But, strong and fierce if she felt she was threatened in any way. She had no boundaries at home. She could stay out all night and skip school in the day. She made her own meals and cleaned the house when no one else bothered. Her Mom was really gone most of the time anyway. She spent most of her time with boyfriend of the month. The girl did what she could to raise herself. Problem is, she had no model of the right tings to do with your life. How does a teenager raise a teenager.

She became very important to me, and by the time she left my school I knew that I would have to be part of her life, as I wanted her to be in mine. She came to my home, went to church with me, and we text. A lot. Thus, the text I received this morning was not a shock. It was the time of day and the message.

She took a bottle of pills. She didn't know what to do. My heart sank to the pit of my feet. My heart began to beat a million miles an hour. I looked up the medication on the internet and kept her texting with me so I would know she was conscious. I began to pray. I convinced her to get help and go to an emergency room. Her Mom agreed to come get her and take her.

When I asked her why, she said that she was tired of getting in her own way when it comes to making something better of her life. She didn't see any other way out. I shared with her that I had a night when I sat on my kitchen floor and tried to load a gun for the very same reason. But, I found there was a way out and she could find one to.

She went to the hospital and they saved her life. She told me she thought her Mom was getting angry because they wouldn't let her leave. She told me that she didn't know what she would do without me, that I was like a mother to her and that she loved me.

I don't know what I would have done if something happened to her. I have grown extremely fond of that girl. She could really be somebody someday...I just know it. Why is it that it seems I love her more than her own family? It's so unfair. I'd give my right arm to be her Mom. But, I am not. That privilege goes to someone that it seems like would rather not have to deal with it.

So, I love someone else's child. And, that is hurting me today in ways I can't explain.

How your dreams change

Yesterday,I watched a recording of my Senior reception in college . There I was, 21, 80's clothes, bleach blond hair, playing Lucy in a scene from the Peanut's musical I performed in a few years earlier. It is so strange watching yourself 22 years later. It is like watching someone else. Many things occurred to me as I watched this. People I miss and had forgotten suddenly run through my mind. Memories of fun experiences during college start flooding my thoughts. How strange that I never saw certain things. Your perspective is so off when you are 21. You think you know it all, but you don't. You know nothing. There is so much life left to survive, experience, and savor. So, watching my 21 year old, bleach blond, wrinkle and cellulite free self on a recording is strange and sobering. I start to try to remember who I was and how I thought back then. I had so many hopes and dreams about my future. I had no reason to think that all of them couldn't come true. Then again, I had very little confidence in my ability to make them all happen at that point in my life. I see my young self as if I was someone else. I see someone who was talented, intelligent, curious, loving, open, vulnerable, hopeful, excited and determined. I didn't get it then. I see it now. I was actually someone I would be very proud to call my daughter. And, I couldn't see that. I gave up on making my parents proud and did my own thing which is such a shame. I hear the Bible verses read and thoughts poured out at a reception at a Christian college that I had a privilege to be a part of and the gravity, the importance, the priority those verses and thoughts should have had in my heart and life just didn't register with me back then. I figured I could make it on my own. I didn't need my parents. I didn't need my God. I was going to conquer the world by living on the edge and pushing all the limits. Yeah. That would be fun and ground breaking. No one ever tried to pretend as if they could live one day at at time and ignore the consequences.

So, I watch this young girl with so much potential and can't believe what she chose to do with her life. Don't get me wrong. God finally pulled me back into his arms. But, for so many years I wasted time, talent, energy and life on me. Selfish. Purposeless. Chaotic. That young girl thought she had the world by the tail. She thought she would find a man who would worship the ground she walked on. She thought he would then marry her, take care of her and give her a home full of laughing, amazing children. She thought it would all be so simple. I watched her and felt such pain and compassion for her. She had no idea what she would face in her life. She had no idea the places she would put herself because of her own stubbornness and bad choices.

She especially had no idea that children would never be a part of her future. That idea NEVER crossed her mind. If she had known, would she have made a different choice? Would she have planned more carefully, chosen more wisely, followed God more closely?

I wrote a poem that year. I read it at the reception. It was poignant. It was heartfelt. It talked about starting the second chapter of our lives. It talked about taking God with us on this next journey. It talked about what wonderful things we had experienced at college. She meant it all. She knew she would have lifetime friendships with those girls. And she did. She knew that she would have adventures in her career and make a difference in her world. And she did. She knew that she would find a wonderful man who would love her in ways she never deserved. And she did. She knew that one day she would be Mom to children that would love her and test her just as she had for her parents. But, she didn't.

Wow. How your life turns out differently than your young self thought it would. In some ways, better. In some ways, not so great. If you had told that girl that she would never be a Mom, she would have been devastated. But, this woman, she deals with that reality with perseverance and peace. The God that girl abandoned is the God who saves this woman from emptiness. How can anyone love someone who ignored them, laughed at them, disrespected them and turned from them? How your dreams change as you realize that what really matters is that kind of love. It will never cease to amaze this woman. That girl never would have understood.

The family tree stops here

I was thinking about one of my Grandpa's the other night. My husband sneezed and it reminded me of how my Grandpa used to sneeze. Then, I began to reminisce about all my grandparents and how fortunate I was to have them in my life. Of course, the next thought for me was my parents. I've finally been able to see them get to be grandparents in the last few years. First, my brother married a wonderful girl who had a precocious and scary-smart boy. He has an insatiable curiosity and my Dad is the perfect Grandpa to answer all those science questions. Then, my brother and his wife had their precious little girl, Evie, in September. I see the pride my Dad has on his Facebook account as he posts pictures of her. I hear the love in my Mom's voice when she tells me the latest news about her. And, I have to say I am really happy for them. I am thrilled for my brother and his wife. But, it hit me this morning as I was thinking about the whole situation that on our side, the family stops here. I don't get to share that special bond with my parents as I raise a child and finally understand what that was like for them. I won't ever see my children get doted on and loved in that special way that only grandparents can do. And, for my husband, the Maley family name stops with him. He is the last of them. It is what it is, but it is sad. I so looked forward to those visits to Grandpa's or Grandma's house that I remember so well from my childhood. Family has always meant a houseful for me. I am having to change the way I think about family. How many times have I faced the question, "So, when are you going to start a family?" I already did, the day I married my husband. It is just really hard for anyone, including me, to see it that way. I have encouraged other women I talk to going through this infertility journey to make sure they create family traditions with their husbands and not to wait for children. I encourage them to do this because it is something that we neglected to do. There were so many times we said, "Once we have children..." The concept that would never happen just wasn't registering for us. I come from a family rich with traditions and family connections. I was blessed. I will always be sad that I never got the chance to pass them on to my own children.

My birthday

So, yesterday was my birthday. It was a good day. I was blessed with many well wishes from all kinds of people. Many times special occasions are very difficult for me and have been for several years. It indicates that time is passing and my situation hasn't. Especially a birthday causes the realization that my childbearing years are quickly coming to a close. Since my last birthday, we had two embryo transfers that failed. A year ago, I didn't even know we were going to be able to try. The weird thing is, this is the first birthday in a long time I wasn't depressed or sad that I was getting to old to have a baby. I don't know if it is because I feel like we gave it our best shot and it didn't work. Or, if God is finally answering my prayers to change the desires of my heart. But, the constant ache and nagging feeling that has haunted me for years is going away. One of the women who I have shared the journey with found out she was pregnant two days ago. I was genuinely happy for her. What kind of person would I be if I wanted everyone else to be childless just because I am? The moment of jealousy didn't even surface though. Would I still love to be Mommy? Would that be the most incredible birthday gift I could ever have? Of course. I haven't given up. I have surrendered my dreams to God. That's all. He is able to do anything. Reality is, though, that the chances of me actually giving birth are becoming very very unlikely. Turning 43 is a reminder of that. I am happy that didn't hurt so much. I am finding peace with my reality. Happy birthday Renee.

Today, I choose joy!

Well, it is Friday night and I am having one of the moments I can't imagine having to come home and then care for small children. It is a problem I wouldn't mind trying to figure out a solution to, but it is still nice to know the most I have to do is figure out a way to feed my hubby. And, he understands I have worked a very long week. You have to look at the silver lining sometimes.

I also had a couple of thoughts in the last few days. I heard a radio spot on the Christian station...probably from Family Life. Someone was talking about how the highest calling from God was being a parent. I believe the last little quote was something to the effect of, "When you get to the end of your life, there is nothing that will even come close to the calling you had as a parent." Wow. That makes me feel like a big loser! What does that leave me? Missing out on the highest calling? Of course, I know that is for someone privileged to be a parent, but still. Ouch. I also know that I have a choice. I reread my last few posts and hope that no one reading them thinks that I am bitter or angry. I am not. I am just examining my life and asking questions that I must to process this situation...this place I have found myself.

What I do know for sure is this. I could be angry at God and become bitter. There are a lot of people in this world that would never blame me for that. But, if I choose to get angry at God for my condition, will it change the fact that I am infertile? No. So, instead of having the loving arms of my Savior to comfort me when this road just gets too hard to handle, I would have to face my childlessness without Him. Inconceivable. I will choose to love Him no matter what and run to Him when I just can't take it. He could answer all of my questions about why, and you know what? It would not really make any difference. I wouldn't have a child just because He told me why I didn't. Right? So, why keep asking why? Why get angry with God? It solves nothing and leaves me alone to face one of the hardest things to face for any woman. I just won't do that.

So, I choose joy. Joy in the fact that I have a wonderful extended family who loves me. Joy in the husband who has been by my side through this entire journey and never let me down through it all. Joy in the career I have working with Special Education students and knowing that I might make a difference every once in a while. Joy in living in a beautiful home. Joy in a church family who embody what the love of Christ is supposed to be. I will have my ups and downs, but eventually, I will choose joy. I have my relationship with Christ. Even having a child pales in comparison to what that means. Today, I choose joy in what I have been given. And, for today, that is enough. I will face tomorrow when it comes, but I won't face it alone. Because I choose not to get angry with a God who loves me and would never do anything to harm me, even if I don't understand. Now, that makes sense. Don't you think?

A trip to the store

Amazing how something as simple as a trip to the grocery store can be such a reminder of our situation. Why does it seem that every time I stop by the store it is family hour? No matter what time of day, there they all are. Today, it was this darling little curly haired girl of about the age of 7 in the line behind me while I was checking out. She was asking her mother one hundred and one questions about everything. Mom almost seemed a bit annoyed. Of course, this was probably the 20th time today she had answered the barage of curiosities. I get it. She was just so cute. Then, as many children do, her concept of personal space not quite developed yet, she started standing closer and closer to me as I waited for my total to be announced so I could pay. Her mother gave her one of those looks. I just smiled at her and she grinned back. She finally pushed past me to go to the water fountain to get a drink. I paid the cashier, took my groceries and walked out as she skipped back to her waiting mother. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, they were coming out of the store and although I could not hear her, curly head was busy learning about the world around her from a weary but unbelievably blessed Mommy...21st time for one hundred and one questions.

Will Mom's ever know how blessed they really are? I know it's the hardest job in the world, but I wish I could instill in every Mom the feeling I have of knowing I will not have that privilege. If they could know that pain, they would probably feel much better about their responsibilities. I simple trip to the grocery store. And, I sigh as I drive home. I wonder what little curly head is asking her Mommy now?

Why is church so hard sometimes?

You know, the last thing you would think is that when you are infertile, you sometimes dread being in church. Doesn't that sound terrible? For me, it was sometimes in the past because I had to watch all those little perfect families coming in and checking their cute little children into the children's classes. Or, the dreaded baby dedications with Mom and Dad beaming and a little adorable infant curiously reaching toward the pastor as he prays for them could always send me into tears. But, today, it was the sermon topic.

Our pastor is teaching in Exodus. Right now, it is the 10 Commandments. Should not be so tough, right? Today was Exodus 20:4-6. It talks about generational curses. The whole sermon was admonishing parents to be the right influence on their children. It was an excellent teaching. I am sure all the parents and grandparents in the room had a lot to chew on as they left the building. But, where does that leave Steve and I? We aren't responsible to pass on our faith or Christ following life to anyone. How sad is that? Isn't that pretty much what we were left here on the earth to do? Of course, I know that there is much more to life than raising children. I have to know that. I have no choice. But, this society will not let me forget that most people between 25 and 90 have children they focus their lives on. Every decision they make is centered on how it will affect their children. Well...at least the good parents live that way. But, not us. No, we can make all our decisions based on us. We get to be selfish. Good for us. We are sick of being selfish, to be completely honest with you. But, again, we have no choice.

I started thinking about it today. I guess we are all an influence on someone. I work in a Middle School. I am sure I influence one or two students as I go along. Is it the same? Not really. But, it is something. I have a Bible Study I lead so I guess I influence them, too. I have to comfort myself with that. Nothing is the same as having your own children to raise, love and watch grow. It just isn't. And, don't try to convince me otherwise. As I listened to that sermon I wondered, would we be better people if we knew that we had children watching us? Everyone says becoming a parent completely changes you for the better. I will never know.

I would be completely blown away if one Sunday my pastor actually spoke to couples who don't have children. What are we supposed to do? What is God saying to us? How do we process the verse that says that children are a gift from God and know we don't have that? No one addresses us. We are a silent, invisible group. We sit in churches all over the world Sunday after Sunday wondering if we will ever be heard or noticed.

Thank God I know he notices. He gets my pain. He loves me anyway. I love him anyway. It just really would be nice to pass that on to someone else, that's all.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

I have spent a lot of time in self-evalution...after all...a life without that is not worth living. At 42, soon to be 43, I feel like I have learned a lot about life and it's up's and down's. I don't have all the answers. But, I decided to start my blog to process what I am going through every single day. How do you live in this society that is centered around children when you can't have one? That is the question that I am spending my time trying to answer these days.

My husband, Steve, and I never planned to be in this place. We never expected to be put in this position. But, here we are. We have good careers. We love each other. But, we had this goal of sharing the adventure of parenthood. And, that is a goal that illusive and unatainable. Not because we haven't tried. We have been through hell and high water to get there. I just didn't pan out for us. We tried foreign adoption...that cost us money and didn't work out. We tried adoption of embryos and implantation of those babies, but that didn't work out either. We have exhausted our options, energy and ideas over the last 12 years. And now, we have to face a life without a child. How do you form a family of 2? That is the ultimate question.

Today, we put our nursery in the attic. Over the course of the last 12 years, we have aqcuired everything necessary to set up the perfect nursery, if there is such a thing. We had all the equipment, books, stuffed animals, and space for a nursery to be set up. We had the walls painted, the amenities collected, (such as sheets, blankets, quilts and paintings that matched our theme for our Noah's Ark nursery. We had it all...but a child. That part seems to be impossible for us. After we spent Christmas sitting in our home drained of all hope because we found out on the 18th we weren't pregnant, we finally decided it was time to put the nursery away. I told Steve I couldn't look at it any more.

But, when he put it all away today and I went to vacuumm the empty room, I had no idea the feeling that would leave in my gut. I know, I am supposed to trust God. I do. We know that he has a plan, and we are trying to follow that plan. We just have no idea what to do next. When you spend years trying to find a way to create children, and those attempts turn out to be futile, what do you do after that? When the nursery goes in the attic, where do you put your hopes? What dreams do you create for the two of you in your old age?

Today is the beginning of a "do over." Remember those? When you were a kid and you played a game and no one could figure out what the call should have been, you just did a "do over"? That is my life. A "do over"? When we go to make a play, what will we get this time? That remains to be seen. But, we do know that we will not have a nursery in the back of our home waiting for a child. That is done. And, that is the symbol of what is to come. Hope for something different? Something that involves the two of us being close and undistracted. That could be something really special, right?

The first day of the rest of my life started with the crib being put in the attic. How about yours?