Pinch me...is this for real?

Sometimes I genuinely wonder if I am going to wake up at some point and find out I am really a young married woman just waiting for what life is going to offer. The reality that I will not be a Mom sometimes just isn't present in my brain. So many women that I talk to who have dealt with my pain had a happy ending. The fertility treatment worked. The adoption went through. They got pregnant against all odds. It is a rare thing that I speak with a women who is in the place that I find myself most likely to be. I will be the 50 year old who never had children. Who has no grandchildren to dote on. Who makes a life that is focused on...what? My career is a God blessing, that is for sure. Who could have known but him that I would so desperately need to know that I contribute to the lives of children every single day? When I went into this field, I had no idea they would be the only children I would have. He knew, though.

It's like when I talked to my mother about her Mother's Day weekend and she mentioned that she got her first Grandmother card this year. Wow. That's right. I never even thought about that. It is like a badge of honor for her. And, rightly so. Somehow, that is hard for me. Not that I am not thrilled for my brother, sister in law and both of my parents. I would NEVER want anyone else to go through what we have been through.

I also recall running into one of the teachers I used to work with at the Christian book store a few months ago. I was showing off the pictures of my little embryos that had been implanted...telling her they were my first baby pictures. I plan to see her this weekend at a party for the first time since then. She probably won't know what to say. We all had such high hopes.

Sometimes, this whole ride just doesn't seem real to me. Like, this can't possibly be the end of the story. So, there you are, Renee, mother of no one. Family of 2. This is it. Really? Are you sure? Because this is just not what I pictured in my head when I was 16. Can this really be?

Yes. It is. I am 43. FORTY THREE! This is my life. I am not going to wake up and suddenly find out this is a bad nightmare. But, I WILL wake up and find that I am in Heaven one day. Either by meeting up with Jesus in the air or dying and finding my way there that way. When I get there, I won't have this pain or confusion any more. In Heaven, there will be no mothers! We will all be brothers and sisters in Christ. I will be free. Awesome. That is the reality I am looking forward to for sure.