Waiting

I know there is no such thing as coincidence in the life of a Christ Follower. Several sermons and things I have come across in my quiet times have been about waiting lately. Like that isn't one lesson I have been taught in excrutiating detail in my life! I am usually such a patient person. Really. It is one thing I got from my Dad. As a teacher, I had classes that were full of students that could never behaviorally make it in a "regular" classroom. I believe one year I was dubbed "The Saint" by many of the teachers at my school. They were some difficult students! But, I loved them and had infinite patience with them. I have no problem waiting in lines...something that drives my husband bananas.

However, when it comes to waiting on life's next step, I have not found that to be something that I don't do so well. When everyone else was married, but I was still single, I wasn't too good at that. I have a trait I inherited from Mom that wants to get things done. The amount of work I have put into trying to be a parent is staggering when I think about it. I remember the first time I got the packet to begin the process of foreign adoption. I had already done research about which agency to adopt with. Then, I get this paperwork...overwhelming! I cried. It was so complicated. But, I filled it out. I made the phone calls. I worked at it. I wasn't really waiting. I was doing.

When that fell through and we decided to adopt embryos, again, I did research, I filled out paperwork, I made phone calls, I wrote e-mails, I organized a garage sale, (to raise money) I worked at it. I wasn't really waiting. I was doing.

Somewhere in the middle of all that doing, I suddenly realized that I wasn't able to move any further. We had the embryos. They were waiting a few miles away for us. But, we had no way to pay for the expensive medical procedures. So, I was really upset. At least this time, in the process of waiting, I turned where I should have more often. I prayed to God. I begged him to take away the ache or give me something to help. I remember that our Pastor reminds us repeatedly that the Bible has answers to everything. Okay. Really? To my infertility? Fine. I proceeded to sit down at my computer and research every woman I could find who dealt with this in the Bible. Many, many hours, days and months later, I found myself with a 170 page Bible study, and a changed heart. God used my pain to teach me more about him, trust, and waiting.

Our Pastor said something last weekend that really struck me. Our impatience is really a lack of trust. Ouch. Yep. If I really trust God, I won't mind waiting on him. Because, in the end I know that he will come up with something immeasurably better than I am capable of.

So, here I am in this stage of our journey. We know nothing more about the possible adoption. We have to continue our daily routine and life goes on. Each day brings more contentment with the life we have right now. And, that is a good thing. Another thing the Pastor said was "Waiting time is not wasted time." Aha. Now, I start to see it.

All this time of waiting. The disappointments, the heartache and the confusion. It wasn't wasted time. God has been creating something new in me. I look back at who I was 5 years ago and the woman who writes this right now is NOT that woman any more. I am not worried about the situation that we are waiting for. I know that God is in control. And, this time, I am not saying that with my mouth but trying to work out some deal behind the scenes. I truly trust he knows what he is doing. I don't know why he would bring this possibility into our lives just to have it be nothing any more than I know why he led us to adopt embryos and lose all of them, never to get pregnant. But, I do know that he is using that time. I have so much less impatience now. Conversely, I have so much more trust in him. I have my relationship with Jesus. That is something that I was missing for so many messed up years of my life. I knew I had a deep hole in my soul that needed something. I tried every solution in the book. Nothing worked until I found this. Now that I have that, no matter what else happens, I am at peace. I have my questions. I have my moments. I am human. I am beginning to come out on the other side of this darkness that has been in our lives for the last year and realize that God was using that time, too. It had purpose, as painful and hard as it has been. He wanted me to be closer to and trust him more. It worked. I do. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I have the person who does as my best friend. I can rest in that. And, I can wait with the expectation that he has something amazing in mind.