My birthday

So, yesterday was my birthday. It was a good day. I was blessed with many well wishes from all kinds of people. Many times special occasions are very difficult for me and have been for several years. It indicates that time is passing and my situation hasn't. Especially a birthday causes the realization that my childbearing years are quickly coming to a close. Since my last birthday, we had two embryo transfers that failed. A year ago, I didn't even know we were going to be able to try. The weird thing is, this is the first birthday in a long time I wasn't depressed or sad that I was getting to old to have a baby. I don't know if it is because I feel like we gave it our best shot and it didn't work. Or, if God is finally answering my prayers to change the desires of my heart. But, the constant ache and nagging feeling that has haunted me for years is going away. One of the women who I have shared the journey with found out she was pregnant two days ago. I was genuinely happy for her. What kind of person would I be if I wanted everyone else to be childless just because I am? The moment of jealousy didn't even surface though. Would I still love to be Mommy? Would that be the most incredible birthday gift I could ever have? Of course. I haven't given up. I have surrendered my dreams to God. That's all. He is able to do anything. Reality is, though, that the chances of me actually giving birth are becoming very very unlikely. Turning 43 is a reminder of that. I am happy that didn't hurt so much. I am finding peace with my reality. Happy birthday Renee.