Today, I choose joy!

Well, it is Friday night and I am having one of the moments I can't imagine having to come home and then care for small children. It is a problem I wouldn't mind trying to figure out a solution to, but it is still nice to know the most I have to do is figure out a way to feed my hubby. And, he understands I have worked a very long week. You have to look at the silver lining sometimes.

I also had a couple of thoughts in the last few days. I heard a radio spot on the Christian station...probably from Family Life. Someone was talking about how the highest calling from God was being a parent. I believe the last little quote was something to the effect of, "When you get to the end of your life, there is nothing that will even come close to the calling you had as a parent." Wow. That makes me feel like a big loser! What does that leave me? Missing out on the highest calling? Of course, I know that is for someone privileged to be a parent, but still. Ouch. I also know that I have a choice. I reread my last few posts and hope that no one reading them thinks that I am bitter or angry. I am not. I am just examining my life and asking questions that I must to process this situation...this place I have found myself.

What I do know for sure is this. I could be angry at God and become bitter. There are a lot of people in this world that would never blame me for that. But, if I choose to get angry at God for my condition, will it change the fact that I am infertile? No. So, instead of having the loving arms of my Savior to comfort me when this road just gets too hard to handle, I would have to face my childlessness without Him. Inconceivable. I will choose to love Him no matter what and run to Him when I just can't take it. He could answer all of my questions about why, and you know what? It would not really make any difference. I wouldn't have a child just because He told me why I didn't. Right? So, why keep asking why? Why get angry with God? It solves nothing and leaves me alone to face one of the hardest things to face for any woman. I just won't do that.

So, I choose joy. Joy in the fact that I have a wonderful extended family who loves me. Joy in the husband who has been by my side through this entire journey and never let me down through it all. Joy in the career I have working with Special Education students and knowing that I might make a difference every once in a while. Joy in living in a beautiful home. Joy in a church family who embody what the love of Christ is supposed to be. I will have my ups and downs, but eventually, I will choose joy. I have my relationship with Christ. Even having a child pales in comparison to what that means. Today, I choose joy in what I have been given. And, for today, that is enough. I will face tomorrow when it comes, but I won't face it alone. Because I choose not to get angry with a God who loves me and would never do anything to harm me, even if I don't understand. Now, that makes sense. Don't you think?