Why is church so hard sometimes?

You know, the last thing you would think is that when you are infertile, you sometimes dread being in church. Doesn't that sound terrible? For me, it was sometimes in the past because I had to watch all those little perfect families coming in and checking their cute little children into the children's classes. Or, the dreaded baby dedications with Mom and Dad beaming and a little adorable infant curiously reaching toward the pastor as he prays for them could always send me into tears. But, today, it was the sermon topic.

Our pastor is teaching in Exodus. Right now, it is the 10 Commandments. Should not be so tough, right? Today was Exodus 20:4-6. It talks about generational curses. The whole sermon was admonishing parents to be the right influence on their children. It was an excellent teaching. I am sure all the parents and grandparents in the room had a lot to chew on as they left the building. But, where does that leave Steve and I? We aren't responsible to pass on our faith or Christ following life to anyone. How sad is that? Isn't that pretty much what we were left here on the earth to do? Of course, I know that there is much more to life than raising children. I have to know that. I have no choice. But, this society will not let me forget that most people between 25 and 90 have children they focus their lives on. Every decision they make is centered on how it will affect their children. Well...at least the good parents live that way. But, not us. No, we can make all our decisions based on us. We get to be selfish. Good for us. We are sick of being selfish, to be completely honest with you. But, again, we have no choice.

I started thinking about it today. I guess we are all an influence on someone. I work in a Middle School. I am sure I influence one or two students as I go along. Is it the same? Not really. But, it is something. I have a Bible Study I lead so I guess I influence them, too. I have to comfort myself with that. Nothing is the same as having your own children to raise, love and watch grow. It just isn't. And, don't try to convince me otherwise. As I listened to that sermon I wondered, would we be better people if we knew that we had children watching us? Everyone says becoming a parent completely changes you for the better. I will never know.

I would be completely blown away if one Sunday my pastor actually spoke to couples who don't have children. What are we supposed to do? What is God saying to us? How do we process the verse that says that children are a gift from God and know we don't have that? No one addresses us. We are a silent, invisible group. We sit in churches all over the world Sunday after Sunday wondering if we will ever be heard or noticed.

Thank God I know he notices. He gets my pain. He loves me anyway. I love him anyway. It just really would be nice to pass that on to someone else, that's all.