Family reunion

Wow, it's been a long time since I blogged! Of course, my last post was about waiting and that is exactly what we are still doing. The court system in it's infinite wisdom decided to give the biological mother of the children we might adopt 90 more days to fulfill the requirements that she didn't do for the last 10 months. So, we continue to wait.

I just returned from a family reunion. Every other year, my Dad's brother and 3 sisters and their families get together somewhere during the summer and have a short vacation. This year it was at Gulf Shores Alabama. They were all over Facebook talking about going to the beach. Funny for me, since I live on the beach. For us, it was simply a time to go be with family.

I believe that there were around 55 people there or so. We were missing one of my cousins (because she is very pregnant and her doctor wouldn't let her travel). It is a big family. All of my cousins seem to have no problem having whatever children they want. Most of them have at least 3. The ones who have less than 3 just got started. Heck, one of them just got married three years ago and she already has 2.

I would love to say that I have progressed enough to never have any difficult feelings at this gathering. I love seeing everyone and this family and it's closeness is one of the reasons I have so desperately wanted a family of my own. But, there are moments as I look around at everyone's children that my reality hits me once again. There they are with theirs and here I am with nothing. Ouch. I am one of the oldest cousins. My cousins that are in the same age range have children getting ready to graduate from high school and in college. One is even a step-grandparent.

Why is it that picture time seems to be the biggest reminder? When they get the little families together to take a picture, no one ever seems to think to ask Steve and I for a picture. We just aren't considered a family yet. I guess we never will be if we remain childless. No one means anything by it. I know that. At least a couple of my Aunts asked about the adoption possibilities. But, not one of my cousins asked me how that was going or how we are doing after losing all our embryos last year and all chances of getting pregnant. My cousin's wife did. God bless her! I really think it is just that there is no way they can get what we have been through in the last year.

My brother has a little girl of his own and a stepson now. We all stayed together in a condo. Every morning, the first little face I saw was my grinning adorable 10 month old niece. As I watched how my sister in law had to miss a lot of the activities and how this little person has taken over their lives, I ached again. I haven't felt that ache in a long time. Yes, I know a child completely changes your life. I know my sister in law was very upset her vacation didn't go the way she had hoped because my niece's schedule got in the way. I would give anything for that problem. The first morning I woke up here to silence and no little smiling face and giggle, it was downright depressing. Why oh why Lord do all my cousins seem to have as many children as they want, but not us? Why do we have to bear this burden? And, why is it that some of those very people who have the children are actually upset by what they do to their lives? They don't get it like I do. They just got the children they asked for and don't appreciate what a precious miracle that is. To hear someone complain about how hard it is to raise a teenager or what a hassle a baby's schedule can be for a new Mom just tears me up. I'd give anything for that. Anything.

Family is wonderful. I wouldn't trade the one I have for anything. Both my mother's and my father's families are close and have a great time together. Who can say that? I am very blessed. Spending time with them is a reminder, once again, how the family continues to grow everywhere but in my home. The legend and the traditions will be passed down everywhere but here. I continue to have it easier than all my cousins who have to sacrifice for their children. And I can't stand it. How many more family gatherings will I attend as a family of 2? For the rest of my life? How many more family pictures will I be passed aside because, after all, I have no children and that is what it is all about, anyway?

One of the mornings that I was having a particularly hard time with all of this, I opened my devotional book to that day's and when I saw the scripture I thought, "You have got to be kidding me!" It was 1 Samuel and the story of Hannah. The devotional book is on Patience. That day's point was that we have to be patient for God to do what He knows is right in His time. I knew God was speaking directly to me about how I was feeling. It does no good for me to feel sorry for myself. In the end, I am happy for my cousins and my brother. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. God loves me and I have to be patient. He knows how bad this hurts me and how difficult these family gatherings can be. I should be glad I have this family. I love my cousins kids. They are awesome. I really love my nephew and niece, big time. I do have things to be grateful for when it comes to family. And, that is what I am going to focus on. Not on what I am missing. Then I can look forward to the next time we get to be together.

Waiting

I know there is no such thing as coincidence in the life of a Christ Follower. Several sermons and things I have come across in my quiet times have been about waiting lately. Like that isn't one lesson I have been taught in excrutiating detail in my life! I am usually such a patient person. Really. It is one thing I got from my Dad. As a teacher, I had classes that were full of students that could never behaviorally make it in a "regular" classroom. I believe one year I was dubbed "The Saint" by many of the teachers at my school. They were some difficult students! But, I loved them and had infinite patience with them. I have no problem waiting in lines...something that drives my husband bananas.

However, when it comes to waiting on life's next step, I have not found that to be something that I don't do so well. When everyone else was married, but I was still single, I wasn't too good at that. I have a trait I inherited from Mom that wants to get things done. The amount of work I have put into trying to be a parent is staggering when I think about it. I remember the first time I got the packet to begin the process of foreign adoption. I had already done research about which agency to adopt with. Then, I get this paperwork...overwhelming! I cried. It was so complicated. But, I filled it out. I made the phone calls. I worked at it. I wasn't really waiting. I was doing.

When that fell through and we decided to adopt embryos, again, I did research, I filled out paperwork, I made phone calls, I wrote e-mails, I organized a garage sale, (to raise money) I worked at it. I wasn't really waiting. I was doing.

Somewhere in the middle of all that doing, I suddenly realized that I wasn't able to move any further. We had the embryos. They were waiting a few miles away for us. But, we had no way to pay for the expensive medical procedures. So, I was really upset. At least this time, in the process of waiting, I turned where I should have more often. I prayed to God. I begged him to take away the ache or give me something to help. I remember that our Pastor reminds us repeatedly that the Bible has answers to everything. Okay. Really? To my infertility? Fine. I proceeded to sit down at my computer and research every woman I could find who dealt with this in the Bible. Many, many hours, days and months later, I found myself with a 170 page Bible study, and a changed heart. God used my pain to teach me more about him, trust, and waiting.

Our Pastor said something last weekend that really struck me. Our impatience is really a lack of trust. Ouch. Yep. If I really trust God, I won't mind waiting on him. Because, in the end I know that he will come up with something immeasurably better than I am capable of.

So, here I am in this stage of our journey. We know nothing more about the possible adoption. We have to continue our daily routine and life goes on. Each day brings more contentment with the life we have right now. And, that is a good thing. Another thing the Pastor said was "Waiting time is not wasted time." Aha. Now, I start to see it.

All this time of waiting. The disappointments, the heartache and the confusion. It wasn't wasted time. God has been creating something new in me. I look back at who I was 5 years ago and the woman who writes this right now is NOT that woman any more. I am not worried about the situation that we are waiting for. I know that God is in control. And, this time, I am not saying that with my mouth but trying to work out some deal behind the scenes. I truly trust he knows what he is doing. I don't know why he would bring this possibility into our lives just to have it be nothing any more than I know why he led us to adopt embryos and lose all of them, never to get pregnant. But, I do know that he is using that time. I have so much less impatience now. Conversely, I have so much more trust in him. I have my relationship with Jesus. That is something that I was missing for so many messed up years of my life. I knew I had a deep hole in my soul that needed something. I tried every solution in the book. Nothing worked until I found this. Now that I have that, no matter what else happens, I am at peace. I have my questions. I have my moments. I am human. I am beginning to come out on the other side of this darkness that has been in our lives for the last year and realize that God was using that time, too. It had purpose, as painful and hard as it has been. He wanted me to be closer to and trust him more. It worked. I do. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I have the person who does as my best friend. I can rest in that. And, I can wait with the expectation that he has something amazing in mind.

Hope or Fear?

My life has been at peace. Oh, there have been questions, and pain and occasional heartache, but I learned to turn it all over to God and be content with the life He has planned for us, without children. We are 43 after all. All of my friends are watching their nests empty. It won't be too long until I will watch them start to become grandparents. Here we are, facing whether or not God wants us to stay where we are or attempt to do what it takes to adopt two little ones. Do we dare hope? So much hope has been destroyed time and time again in this journey. It makes it very difficult to even think something actually could work out for us. It never has no matter how much we tried. I was starting to believe that God's message to me was that our infertility was his plan and that he would use me to minister to other women suffering from infertility. I still can and will, no matter what happens. I will never, ever be able to forget how this hurts. This ache that you feel and the anguish that it causes, I will always remember that. So, I can still love, encourage and minister to other women who go through that. I am just so confused about what God is trying to do with my life. So is my husband. We have always wondered what God is trying to teach us through this. We learned a lot about each other and how supportive we can be and how we will persevere in this commitment to each other. We learned to trust God, even when there are no answers and nothing makes sense. We learned to love each other when the hurt is so great that you sincerely believe you could die of a broken heart. I learned to advocate for us. That silent minority that sits in our church pews and hurts desperately every time the pastor talks about family and parenting. We learned that the miracle of God is not rescuing you from your pain, but holding you in his arms all the way through it.

So, infertility has grown our relationship and our character. I have said before and totally mean it...I am thankful we had to go through it. Isn't that crazy? But, I would not be the woman I am today if I hadn't. I would not know God the way I do if he didn't bring me through this. My husband and I would not have the relationship we have today if we hadn't gone through it together. That has been our reality and we were beginning to feel pretty okay with that.

What do we do now? We are both scared. Scared we don't have any time to prepare for this. Scared the court system will be broken and somehow return the children to a home that wasn't fit for them in the first place. Scared that we will begin to try to make this work and have another door slammed in our faces. Scared that it will all work and we will suddenly find ourselves parents and have no idea what we are doing, no finances to support it, or find out we made a mistake. We have a lot of fears. I am reminded of I John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear... Fear comes from Satan, not God. IF this is God's will and he works out all the many obstacles that are in the way for this to truly happen, I am sure we will fall in love with those children. And, that will rid us of all the fears that we have. Besides, we know that God is in control. Another thing we learned in the last 13 years of infertility. He is able to do anything, and through him, so are we. That includes handling the disappointment of another failed attempt to become parents. That is my hope right now.

There is so much happening

I haven't written in a while, because our life has been crazy! We have been resolved to believing and becoming content with a family of two. This blog is one way that I am learning to deal with that reality. Then, the bombshell gets dropped.

I was at a party with old friends of mine that I used to work with. One of them told me that she needed to talk to me. I could tell it was of an important nature. So, later in the party, we had some private time. She explained to me that one of her good friends who has 4 children of her own has taken in 2 children from a relative because they were removed from their home. It seems that the courts will dissolve the parental rights for these children at some point. When that happens, she wants to find a Christian home to adopt the children. Not only that, but the toddler has special needs and the woman is concerned that the family is able handle that.

I have learned in the last 13 years to take one day at a time. God is in control. I don't know if this has come up because it is the children that we were meant to be the parents of all along, or if it a chance for us to become more like Christ...to learn to lean on him more and grow closer to him. But, I don't believe in coincidence for Christ followers. This has been brought into our lives for a reason.

My husband is hurting. This situation has dredged up the fact that he has really been through a lot of hope and let down in the last year. He doesn't want to hope again. It could mean another devastation. I believe it is a step of faith. God brings you a possibility, you need to step through that door and trust he will take care of the rest.

But, it is a huge deal. A toddler with special needs who has been through abuse, and a baby. All at once. Possibly in the next few months. Are we ready for that? We expected a lot of time to prepare. We might not get that in this situation.

Facing life without a child. That is what I named this blog. I believed that was what we were doing. I don't know how to deal with the possibility God had other plans. How do you know what is God's will and what is your emotion? How do you decide to make a plan to move in any direction when all of it is so surreal you can barely wrap your head around it? Could this be what God had planned all along? Do I want to put any hopes on something that could hurt so much if it doesn't work out? Where do we go from here?

Pinch me...is this for real?

Sometimes I genuinely wonder if I am going to wake up at some point and find out I am really a young married woman just waiting for what life is going to offer. The reality that I will not be a Mom sometimes just isn't present in my brain. So many women that I talk to who have dealt with my pain had a happy ending. The fertility treatment worked. The adoption went through. They got pregnant against all odds. It is a rare thing that I speak with a women who is in the place that I find myself most likely to be. I will be the 50 year old who never had children. Who has no grandchildren to dote on. Who makes a life that is focused on...what? My career is a God blessing, that is for sure. Who could have known but him that I would so desperately need to know that I contribute to the lives of children every single day? When I went into this field, I had no idea they would be the only children I would have. He knew, though.

It's like when I talked to my mother about her Mother's Day weekend and she mentioned that she got her first Grandmother card this year. Wow. That's right. I never even thought about that. It is like a badge of honor for her. And, rightly so. Somehow, that is hard for me. Not that I am not thrilled for my brother, sister in law and both of my parents. I would NEVER want anyone else to go through what we have been through.

I also recall running into one of the teachers I used to work with at the Christian book store a few months ago. I was showing off the pictures of my little embryos that had been implanted...telling her they were my first baby pictures. I plan to see her this weekend at a party for the first time since then. She probably won't know what to say. We all had such high hopes.

Sometimes, this whole ride just doesn't seem real to me. Like, this can't possibly be the end of the story. So, there you are, Renee, mother of no one. Family of 2. This is it. Really? Are you sure? Because this is just not what I pictured in my head when I was 16. Can this really be?

Yes. It is. I am 43. FORTY THREE! This is my life. I am not going to wake up and suddenly find out this is a bad nightmare. But, I WILL wake up and find that I am in Heaven one day. Either by meeting up with Jesus in the air or dying and finding my way there that way. When I get there, I won't have this pain or confusion any more. In Heaven, there will be no mothers! We will all be brothers and sisters in Christ. I will be free. Awesome. That is the reality I am looking forward to for sure.

Grateful to my Pastor

So, for several years now I had it in my heart to talk to my pastor about Mother's Day. Every year as it approaches I think I will do it, but I never felt like it was the right moment or if I would even know what to say. But, this year, having just led a Bible study of women who are also dealing with infertility, I felt like I needed to speak for all of us. So, I wrote him a heartfelt e-mail describing how difficult this day is for us. I asked him if he could please just say a prayer for us and help us feel a part of the church community for once on Mother's Day, it wouldn't be so painful.

We went to church Saturday night because we thought it would be easier. They did the Most Mature Mother, and the Newest Mother. Then, the pastor asked all the mothers to stand. What?! I actually mentioned to him how that was so painful when he does that. I couldn't believe he was doing it again. But, then, he said, "But before I pray for the Mothers, I would like one other group of women to stand with them. If you are a wife who has not been able to have a child yet, please join these women in standing. I would like to pray for you."

I was so touched. He listened and he did something that finally made me feel like I was being honored, belonged and was loved on this day I dread all year. Even though this is my first Mother's Day since we stopped trying to find a way to be parents, it was so much better because of that one small gesture. I am so grateful to him for what he did.

As Mother's Day approaches...

It is funny how America has so commercialized to death every single holiday. No sooner has the Halloween stuff been taken off the shelves that Christmas is all in your face. (Forget Thanksgiving, no time for that.) Christmas needles are still yet to be swept up from the ailes when they put Valentine's decorations, candy and cards everywhere...pressuring even the least sentimental of men to do something outrageous to prove his love this one day a year to his wife. (Like all the other days don't count.)

But, the one day that is so hard for so many childless women is Mother's Day. Oh, don't get me wrong. I am so happy that I have an opportunity to remind my mother how instrumental she was in shaping the woman that I am today, (like all the other days in the year don't count!) I am also beginning the tradition of honoring my Sister-n-Law who is mother to the only two children I will have the privilege of calling family and hopefully will have some bond with and influence on, my niece and nephew.

Being a church going Christ follower is the best thing a person could ask for. I don't know how people face life without it. However, on this one day in particular, I know many infertile women who just don't go. I noticed last week on the big screens a new montage of names for mothers...building up to the big day. Here we go, I thought. Another day to feel like a complete leper amounst the normal people. If they have the mothers stand up again this year, I think I will scream. Why don't they have, "You've made a difference in someone's life" Day? How about that? There are numerous women out there who have given birth who don't really deserve any pats on the back. They haven't loved their children or put them first. Don't I deserve a day to recognize me and everything I've contributed to this world? What about "MY" day?

Okay, that sounds a bit selfish, I know. I have endured at least 12 Mother's days when I went from "Someday that will be me," to "I wonder when that will be me?" to "Wow, that will never be me." They praise the oldest Mom...good for her. Still kicking after all these decades and a monument to the legacy she has left her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. God bless her for still coming out to church and worshiping on this fine day. And, there is the newest Mom. I believe last year there was a woman who had given birth like 3 days prior! Impressive. So quick to get your and your little bundle into God's house. A great way to start. Yea Moms.

Even that word hurts me. You know? Especially when I hear little children call out, "Mommy." Something about that makes me ache. And, this one day, it is a like a huge spotlight is on that word and everyone who fits it. Which also leaves me outside in the dark. It is a hard day. More than any mother could ever imagine. For you, it is your day of honor. And, you deserve it. Don't get me wrong. Being a Mom is a privilege and a God given responsibility and you should get honored every single day of the year, if you ask me. It just serves as a reminder at least once a year that I missed out on one of the greatest things life has to offer a woman. And, that doesn't feel too good.

And, Father's Day is just around the corner...