There is so much happening

I haven't written in a while, because our life has been crazy! We have been resolved to believing and becoming content with a family of two. This blog is one way that I am learning to deal with that reality. Then, the bombshell gets dropped.

I was at a party with old friends of mine that I used to work with. One of them told me that she needed to talk to me. I could tell it was of an important nature. So, later in the party, we had some private time. She explained to me that one of her good friends who has 4 children of her own has taken in 2 children from a relative because they were removed from their home. It seems that the courts will dissolve the parental rights for these children at some point. When that happens, she wants to find a Christian home to adopt the children. Not only that, but the toddler has special needs and the woman is concerned that the family is able handle that.

I have learned in the last 13 years to take one day at a time. God is in control. I don't know if this has come up because it is the children that we were meant to be the parents of all along, or if it a chance for us to become more like Christ...to learn to lean on him more and grow closer to him. But, I don't believe in coincidence for Christ followers. This has been brought into our lives for a reason.

My husband is hurting. This situation has dredged up the fact that he has really been through a lot of hope and let down in the last year. He doesn't want to hope again. It could mean another devastation. I believe it is a step of faith. God brings you a possibility, you need to step through that door and trust he will take care of the rest.

But, it is a huge deal. A toddler with special needs who has been through abuse, and a baby. All at once. Possibly in the next few months. Are we ready for that? We expected a lot of time to prepare. We might not get that in this situation.

Facing life without a child. That is what I named this blog. I believed that was what we were doing. I don't know how to deal with the possibility God had other plans. How do you know what is God's will and what is your emotion? How do you decide to make a plan to move in any direction when all of it is so surreal you can barely wrap your head around it? Could this be what God had planned all along? Do I want to put any hopes on something that could hurt so much if it doesn't work out? Where do we go from here?

Pinch me...is this for real?

Sometimes I genuinely wonder if I am going to wake up at some point and find out I am really a young married woman just waiting for what life is going to offer. The reality that I will not be a Mom sometimes just isn't present in my brain. So many women that I talk to who have dealt with my pain had a happy ending. The fertility treatment worked. The adoption went through. They got pregnant against all odds. It is a rare thing that I speak with a women who is in the place that I find myself most likely to be. I will be the 50 year old who never had children. Who has no grandchildren to dote on. Who makes a life that is focused on...what? My career is a God blessing, that is for sure. Who could have known but him that I would so desperately need to know that I contribute to the lives of children every single day? When I went into this field, I had no idea they would be the only children I would have. He knew, though.

It's like when I talked to my mother about her Mother's Day weekend and she mentioned that she got her first Grandmother card this year. Wow. That's right. I never even thought about that. It is like a badge of honor for her. And, rightly so. Somehow, that is hard for me. Not that I am not thrilled for my brother, sister in law and both of my parents. I would NEVER want anyone else to go through what we have been through.

I also recall running into one of the teachers I used to work with at the Christian book store a few months ago. I was showing off the pictures of my little embryos that had been implanted...telling her they were my first baby pictures. I plan to see her this weekend at a party for the first time since then. She probably won't know what to say. We all had such high hopes.

Sometimes, this whole ride just doesn't seem real to me. Like, this can't possibly be the end of the story. So, there you are, Renee, mother of no one. Family of 2. This is it. Really? Are you sure? Because this is just not what I pictured in my head when I was 16. Can this really be?

Yes. It is. I am 43. FORTY THREE! This is my life. I am not going to wake up and suddenly find out this is a bad nightmare. But, I WILL wake up and find that I am in Heaven one day. Either by meeting up with Jesus in the air or dying and finding my way there that way. When I get there, I won't have this pain or confusion any more. In Heaven, there will be no mothers! We will all be brothers and sisters in Christ. I will be free. Awesome. That is the reality I am looking forward to for sure.

Grateful to my Pastor

So, for several years now I had it in my heart to talk to my pastor about Mother's Day. Every year as it approaches I think I will do it, but I never felt like it was the right moment or if I would even know what to say. But, this year, having just led a Bible study of women who are also dealing with infertility, I felt like I needed to speak for all of us. So, I wrote him a heartfelt e-mail describing how difficult this day is for us. I asked him if he could please just say a prayer for us and help us feel a part of the church community for once on Mother's Day, it wouldn't be so painful.

We went to church Saturday night because we thought it would be easier. They did the Most Mature Mother, and the Newest Mother. Then, the pastor asked all the mothers to stand. What?! I actually mentioned to him how that was so painful when he does that. I couldn't believe he was doing it again. But, then, he said, "But before I pray for the Mothers, I would like one other group of women to stand with them. If you are a wife who has not been able to have a child yet, please join these women in standing. I would like to pray for you."

I was so touched. He listened and he did something that finally made me feel like I was being honored, belonged and was loved on this day I dread all year. Even though this is my first Mother's Day since we stopped trying to find a way to be parents, it was so much better because of that one small gesture. I am so grateful to him for what he did.