As Mother's Day approaches...

It is funny how America has so commercialized to death every single holiday. No sooner has the Halloween stuff been taken off the shelves that Christmas is all in your face. (Forget Thanksgiving, no time for that.) Christmas needles are still yet to be swept up from the ailes when they put Valentine's decorations, candy and cards everywhere...pressuring even the least sentimental of men to do something outrageous to prove his love this one day a year to his wife. (Like all the other days don't count.)

But, the one day that is so hard for so many childless women is Mother's Day. Oh, don't get me wrong. I am so happy that I have an opportunity to remind my mother how instrumental she was in shaping the woman that I am today, (like all the other days in the year don't count!) I am also beginning the tradition of honoring my Sister-n-Law who is mother to the only two children I will have the privilege of calling family and hopefully will have some bond with and influence on, my niece and nephew.

Being a church going Christ follower is the best thing a person could ask for. I don't know how people face life without it. However, on this one day in particular, I know many infertile women who just don't go. I noticed last week on the big screens a new montage of names for mothers...building up to the big day. Here we go, I thought. Another day to feel like a complete leper amounst the normal people. If they have the mothers stand up again this year, I think I will scream. Why don't they have, "You've made a difference in someone's life" Day? How about that? There are numerous women out there who have given birth who don't really deserve any pats on the back. They haven't loved their children or put them first. Don't I deserve a day to recognize me and everything I've contributed to this world? What about "MY" day?

Okay, that sounds a bit selfish, I know. I have endured at least 12 Mother's days when I went from "Someday that will be me," to "I wonder when that will be me?" to "Wow, that will never be me." They praise the oldest Mom...good for her. Still kicking after all these decades and a monument to the legacy she has left her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. God bless her for still coming out to church and worshiping on this fine day. And, there is the newest Mom. I believe last year there was a woman who had given birth like 3 days prior! Impressive. So quick to get your and your little bundle into God's house. A great way to start. Yea Moms.

Even that word hurts me. You know? Especially when I hear little children call out, "Mommy." Something about that makes me ache. And, this one day, it is a like a huge spotlight is on that word and everyone who fits it. Which also leaves me outside in the dark. It is a hard day. More than any mother could ever imagine. For you, it is your day of honor. And, you deserve it. Don't get me wrong. Being a Mom is a privilege and a God given responsibility and you should get honored every single day of the year, if you ask me. It just serves as a reminder at least once a year that I missed out on one of the greatest things life has to offer a woman. And, that doesn't feel too good.

And, Father's Day is just around the corner...

Continually on the "outside"

People with children have no idea what a huge club they belong to. You just don't think of it. There is not a day that goes by that I am not reminded I don't belong to that club. It is the little things, and sometimes it is the big things. Example? Sitting at a party and the subject of whether or not tattoos are painful comes up. One of the ladies tells the other, "well you survived childbirth. You can handle anything." Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me that I don't know anything about that. I am one woman who will never know. Or, how about the day in church when he preached about honoring parents and at the end had all parents stand up so they can be prayed for? A wonderful guesture, and nothing wrong with it either. But, it is a reminder for every infertile couple sitting in that church that we do not belong. One of my friends got up and left at that point. She couldn't take it. Every time I am asked if I need child care for an event at church, sit in a party and listen to everyone talk about their children, or pretty much go anywhere, any day I am reminded I don't belong.

Facebook is one of the worst. I know friends who have decided they can't handle it and stopped going on there. You never know when one of your friends is going to pop up a video of their latest ultrasound. Most of my friends have pictures of their children right on their posts. So, every time they answer me or their news feed comes up...there is the picture of their happy little family. Complaints about late night feedings, running all over the place taking children to their activities, and cute little quotes from their mini-me's. These litter the landscape of the Facebook world. It is what these people's lives are about. What do I have to talk about? Me. The weather. I don't belong.

Don't get me wrong. I don't blame any of those people. They should be into their kids. They should have their lives center on what they can do for their children. That is what a good parent does. No one but an infertile couple can understand how much you are reminded on a daily basis that you cannot understand or relate to that life. And, it isn't going to go away. The day will come I will have to sit and listen to all my friends rave about their grandchildren, (the day is coming quite quickly as a matter of fact. My friends are in their 40's and 50's. Some of them are grandparents already.) I'll be left out of that club, too.

I remember in High School how hard it was to be left out of something when you wanted so bad to belong. This is a little different because I am not insecure or trying to belong. What choice do I have? I cannot join this club no matter how much everyone else would like me to be able to. I will never fit into this world of it's parents and children. I have heard it said behind the pulpit...God's plan for a family is a Dad, a Mom and their children. This society is based on the home. My home just isn't the kind the keeps society going. And, it is a home that will never fit the "norm". It is what it is. It is just weird to be so much on the "outside" of the life that 90% of the world lives.

Baby showers

I never want this to be a place where I sound like I am whining or complaining. Some things are just difficult when you are childless. One of those things is baby showers. Some of them, I can avoid. If an aquaintance at work has a shower, I don't have to go to those. And, I don't. I probably seem like a cold person to some of the women at work whom I have had a decent relationship and yet didn't come to their shower. Why is it so difficult for people to figure out? Let's see. How about a description of your typical baby shower.

Cute little baby feet or baby animals decorating table clothes and streamers. A lovely cake announcing "It's a Girl!" or, "It's a Boy!" All women, usually, giggling and talking about motherhood to the mother-to-be, claiming it is the most wonderful thing a woman will ever do. You eat the food and listen to them drone on and on about what their pregnancy was like, what being a mother of a newborn is like, and sharing non-stop advice about everything to the guest of honor. Then, there are often party games where the focus is the new baby and what he/she will be like. Best of all, watching a person open a myriad assortment of baby gifts...cute little miniature outfits, equipment and the like. An amazing celebration of the upcoming blessing.

For me, and all other women out there without children, it is paramount to a woman who is dying of cancer sitting through a party to celebrate the perfect health of her friend. There is no way for someone to understand how that feels unless you have been there.

I went to one on Saturday. This one couldn't be avoided. It was for a girl whom I have spoken to many times about my infertility. She was having major problems getting pregnant her second time, and she needed someone to confide in. We worked together, but we became friends. The shower was thrown by friends of mine. I just couldn't say no. Thank goodness, this one was a little easier to take. It was a pool party. There were men there, not just girls. So, the conversations were not focused on babies, motherhood and the like. We are all teachers, so much of the conversation was about school. It did not torture me. And, although I did have to sit through her reading cards with everyone's advice about being a parent, (I had to fill one out, too! Like I have anything to tell a Mom!!) and through watching her open her little baby clothes, tubs, and the like, it wasn't the hardest one that I have been through.

I have another invitation sitting next to the computer. I am looking at it right now. Another shower. I am 43. When will this stop? Knowing this Mom-t0-be, who wasn't sure if she could ever get pregnant, this shower will be one of those all girl, giggling and talking about motherhood kind of showers. I really care about this girl, so I have to go. I haven't answered the RSVP yet. I don't know what I am waiting for. A creative plan to get out of it?

Another way to describe this? It would be very similar to going to a party where everyone else was from a different country than you and they all speak another language. So, you sit in this party where you really can't understand a word they are saying. They laugh, hug, and enjoy each other while you sit there feeling completely left out, confused, and out of place. That is the infertile woman's experience at a baby shower.

Oh, and another of my favorite parts is going shopping for the gift. Oh yeah, walking around in a baby department or at a baby store is so much fun for me. It doesn't hurt at all that I will never have to go there for myself.

I usually break down when I leave the showers. I didn't cry Saturday. We'll see how I handle the next one. I wish there was a way to get people to understand. How selfish you must sound if you beg out of a baby shower because you "just can't handle it." I can't be that girl. It is MUCH harder than I can explain here, though. God has helped me heal from a lot of the pain that I had. But, the showers still remain a very difficult place for me. I'll never be that Mom-to-be. I'll never throw one for my daughter as she is ready to make me a Grandma. I go to them as a foreigner...an outsider. A person who sits on the sidelines and watches from an emotional distance. I can cheer on the team, but I will never get out there and play. And playing was all I ever dreamed of.

I just can't find a way to enjoy them, no matter how hard I try. Baby showers. What woman doesn't love a baby shower? The infertile woman, that's who.