Loving someone else's child

My day started as I lay in the dark of my cozy bedroom waiting for the alarm to signal I would have to leave this comfort to face the coffee pot and my morning routine. I heard my phone indicate that I was receiving a text message. Who would text me at such an hour? As I rose to deal with the chores of my day, I reached for my phone and looked at the screen. The name startled me. The girl is 16 and a former student at my Middle School. We became very close as she visited my Guidance Department every single day for lunch. Her story unfolded in the arms of my concern and genuine interest in her life. She has been dealt so much heartache and trials in her very short life. Her parents, as so many these days have done, did not stay together. In fact, her Mom has been with more men than you can count on one hand. She was left to live with the father and step mother. Even at a very young age, she was watching younger step siblings, because no one else was. They lived in a car for a year and she didn't go to school. There was arguing and drinking. She was the object of her father's wrath and violence. Eventually, the schools found out and she was sent to a hopeful new start with her mother.

Things didn't change much. Her mother didn't hit her. She did worse. She says things to her that hurt in ways that physical pain cannot touch. The girl had been in that situation for a couple of years when I started getting to know her. I began to see a girl with bright eyes and a beautiful smile. She was like a tiger who was timid and afraid of the unknown person in front of her. But, strong and fierce if she felt she was threatened in any way. She had no boundaries at home. She could stay out all night and skip school in the day. She made her own meals and cleaned the house when no one else bothered. Her Mom was really gone most of the time anyway. She spent most of her time with boyfriend of the month. The girl did what she could to raise herself. Problem is, she had no model of the right tings to do with your life. How does a teenager raise a teenager.

She became very important to me, and by the time she left my school I knew that I would have to be part of her life, as I wanted her to be in mine. She came to my home, went to church with me, and we text. A lot. Thus, the text I received this morning was not a shock. It was the time of day and the message.

She took a bottle of pills. She didn't know what to do. My heart sank to the pit of my feet. My heart began to beat a million miles an hour. I looked up the medication on the internet and kept her texting with me so I would know she was conscious. I began to pray. I convinced her to get help and go to an emergency room. Her Mom agreed to come get her and take her.

When I asked her why, she said that she was tired of getting in her own way when it comes to making something better of her life. She didn't see any other way out. I shared with her that I had a night when I sat on my kitchen floor and tried to load a gun for the very same reason. But, I found there was a way out and she could find one to.

She went to the hospital and they saved her life. She told me she thought her Mom was getting angry because they wouldn't let her leave. She told me that she didn't know what she would do without me, that I was like a mother to her and that she loved me.

I don't know what I would have done if something happened to her. I have grown extremely fond of that girl. She could really be somebody someday...I just know it. Why is it that it seems I love her more than her own family? It's so unfair. I'd give my right arm to be her Mom. But, I am not. That privilege goes to someone that it seems like would rather not have to deal with it.

So, I love someone else's child. And, that is hurting me today in ways I can't explain.

How your dreams change

Yesterday,I watched a recording of my Senior reception in college . There I was, 21, 80's clothes, bleach blond hair, playing Lucy in a scene from the Peanut's musical I performed in a few years earlier. It is so strange watching yourself 22 years later. It is like watching someone else. Many things occurred to me as I watched this. People I miss and had forgotten suddenly run through my mind. Memories of fun experiences during college start flooding my thoughts. How strange that I never saw certain things. Your perspective is so off when you are 21. You think you know it all, but you don't. You know nothing. There is so much life left to survive, experience, and savor. So, watching my 21 year old, bleach blond, wrinkle and cellulite free self on a recording is strange and sobering. I start to try to remember who I was and how I thought back then. I had so many hopes and dreams about my future. I had no reason to think that all of them couldn't come true. Then again, I had very little confidence in my ability to make them all happen at that point in my life. I see my young self as if I was someone else. I see someone who was talented, intelligent, curious, loving, open, vulnerable, hopeful, excited and determined. I didn't get it then. I see it now. I was actually someone I would be very proud to call my daughter. And, I couldn't see that. I gave up on making my parents proud and did my own thing which is such a shame. I hear the Bible verses read and thoughts poured out at a reception at a Christian college that I had a privilege to be a part of and the gravity, the importance, the priority those verses and thoughts should have had in my heart and life just didn't register with me back then. I figured I could make it on my own. I didn't need my parents. I didn't need my God. I was going to conquer the world by living on the edge and pushing all the limits. Yeah. That would be fun and ground breaking. No one ever tried to pretend as if they could live one day at at time and ignore the consequences.

So, I watch this young girl with so much potential and can't believe what she chose to do with her life. Don't get me wrong. God finally pulled me back into his arms. But, for so many years I wasted time, talent, energy and life on me. Selfish. Purposeless. Chaotic. That young girl thought she had the world by the tail. She thought she would find a man who would worship the ground she walked on. She thought he would then marry her, take care of her and give her a home full of laughing, amazing children. She thought it would all be so simple. I watched her and felt such pain and compassion for her. She had no idea what she would face in her life. She had no idea the places she would put herself because of her own stubbornness and bad choices.

She especially had no idea that children would never be a part of her future. That idea NEVER crossed her mind. If she had known, would she have made a different choice? Would she have planned more carefully, chosen more wisely, followed God more closely?

I wrote a poem that year. I read it at the reception. It was poignant. It was heartfelt. It talked about starting the second chapter of our lives. It talked about taking God with us on this next journey. It talked about what wonderful things we had experienced at college. She meant it all. She knew she would have lifetime friendships with those girls. And she did. She knew that she would have adventures in her career and make a difference in her world. And she did. She knew that she would find a wonderful man who would love her in ways she never deserved. And she did. She knew that one day she would be Mom to children that would love her and test her just as she had for her parents. But, she didn't.

Wow. How your life turns out differently than your young self thought it would. In some ways, better. In some ways, not so great. If you had told that girl that she would never be a Mom, she would have been devastated. But, this woman, she deals with that reality with perseverance and peace. The God that girl abandoned is the God who saves this woman from emptiness. How can anyone love someone who ignored them, laughed at them, disrespected them and turned from them? How your dreams change as you realize that what really matters is that kind of love. It will never cease to amaze this woman. That girl never would have understood.

The family tree stops here

I was thinking about one of my Grandpa's the other night. My husband sneezed and it reminded me of how my Grandpa used to sneeze. Then, I began to reminisce about all my grandparents and how fortunate I was to have them in my life. Of course, the next thought for me was my parents. I've finally been able to see them get to be grandparents in the last few years. First, my brother married a wonderful girl who had a precocious and scary-smart boy. He has an insatiable curiosity and my Dad is the perfect Grandpa to answer all those science questions. Then, my brother and his wife had their precious little girl, Evie, in September. I see the pride my Dad has on his Facebook account as he posts pictures of her. I hear the love in my Mom's voice when she tells me the latest news about her. And, I have to say I am really happy for them. I am thrilled for my brother and his wife. But, it hit me this morning as I was thinking about the whole situation that on our side, the family stops here. I don't get to share that special bond with my parents as I raise a child and finally understand what that was like for them. I won't ever see my children get doted on and loved in that special way that only grandparents can do. And, for my husband, the Maley family name stops with him. He is the last of them. It is what it is, but it is sad. I so looked forward to those visits to Grandpa's or Grandma's house that I remember so well from my childhood. Family has always meant a houseful for me. I am having to change the way I think about family. How many times have I faced the question, "So, when are you going to start a family?" I already did, the day I married my husband. It is just really hard for anyone, including me, to see it that way. I have encouraged other women I talk to going through this infertility journey to make sure they create family traditions with their husbands and not to wait for children. I encourage them to do this because it is something that we neglected to do. There were so many times we said, "Once we have children..." The concept that would never happen just wasn't registering for us. I come from a family rich with traditions and family connections. I was blessed. I will always be sad that I never got the chance to pass them on to my own children.

My birthday

So, yesterday was my birthday. It was a good day. I was blessed with many well wishes from all kinds of people. Many times special occasions are very difficult for me and have been for several years. It indicates that time is passing and my situation hasn't. Especially a birthday causes the realization that my childbearing years are quickly coming to a close. Since my last birthday, we had two embryo transfers that failed. A year ago, I didn't even know we were going to be able to try. The weird thing is, this is the first birthday in a long time I wasn't depressed or sad that I was getting to old to have a baby. I don't know if it is because I feel like we gave it our best shot and it didn't work. Or, if God is finally answering my prayers to change the desires of my heart. But, the constant ache and nagging feeling that has haunted me for years is going away. One of the women who I have shared the journey with found out she was pregnant two days ago. I was genuinely happy for her. What kind of person would I be if I wanted everyone else to be childless just because I am? The moment of jealousy didn't even surface though. Would I still love to be Mommy? Would that be the most incredible birthday gift I could ever have? Of course. I haven't given up. I have surrendered my dreams to God. That's all. He is able to do anything. Reality is, though, that the chances of me actually giving birth are becoming very very unlikely. Turning 43 is a reminder of that. I am happy that didn't hurt so much. I am finding peace with my reality. Happy birthday Renee.