Well, it is Friday night and I am having one of the moments I can't imagine having to come home and then care for small children. It is a problem I wouldn't mind trying to figure out a solution to, but it is still nice to know the most I have to do is figure out a way to feed my hubby. And, he understands I have worked a very long week. You have to look at the silver lining sometimes.
I also had a couple of thoughts in the last few days. I heard a radio spot on the Christian station...probably from Family Life. Someone was talking about how the highest calling from God was being a parent. I believe the last little quote was something to the effect of, "When you get to the end of your life, there is nothing that will even come close to the calling you had as a parent." Wow. That makes me feel like a big loser! What does that leave me? Missing out on the highest calling? Of course, I know that is for someone privileged to be a parent, but still. Ouch. I also know that I have a choice. I reread my last few posts and hope that no one reading them thinks that I am bitter or angry. I am not. I am just examining my life and asking questions that I must to process this situation...this place I have found myself.
What I do know for sure is this. I could be angry at God and become bitter. There are a lot of people in this world that would never blame me for that. But, if I choose to get angry at God for my condition, will it change the fact that I am infertile? No. So, instead of having the loving arms of my Savior to comfort me when this road just gets too hard to handle, I would have to face my childlessness without Him. Inconceivable. I will choose to love Him no matter what and run to Him when I just can't take it. He could answer all of my questions about why, and you know what? It would not really make any difference. I wouldn't have a child just because He told me why I didn't. Right? So, why keep asking why? Why get angry with God? It solves nothing and leaves me alone to face one of the hardest things to face for any woman. I just won't do that.
So, I choose joy. Joy in the fact that I have a wonderful extended family who loves me. Joy in the husband who has been by my side through this entire journey and never let me down through it all. Joy in the career I have working with Special Education students and knowing that I might make a difference every once in a while. Joy in living in a beautiful home. Joy in a church family who embody what the love of Christ is supposed to be. I will have my ups and downs, but eventually, I will choose joy. I have my relationship with Christ. Even having a child pales in comparison to what that means. Today, I choose joy in what I have been given. And, for today, that is enough. I will face tomorrow when it comes, but I won't face it alone. Because I choose not to get angry with a God who loves me and would never do anything to harm me, even if I don't understand. Now, that makes sense. Don't you think?
Friday, February 27, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A trip to the store
Amazing how something as simple as a trip to the grocery store can be such a reminder of our situation. Why does it seem that every time I stop by the store it is family hour? No matter what time of day, there they all are. Today, it was this darling little curly haired girl of about the age of 7 in the line behind me while I was checking out. She was asking her mother one hundred and one questions about everything. Mom almost seemed a bit annoyed. Of course, this was probably the 20th time today she had answered the barage of curiosities. I get it. She was just so cute. Then, as many children do, her concept of personal space not quite developed yet, she started standing closer and closer to me as I waited for my total to be announced so I could pay. Her mother gave her one of those looks. I just smiled at her and she grinned back. She finally pushed past me to go to the water fountain to get a drink. I paid the cashier, took my groceries and walked out as she skipped back to her waiting mother. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, they were coming out of the store and although I could not hear her, curly head was busy learning about the world around her from a weary but unbelievably blessed Mommy...21st time for one hundred and one questions.
Will Mom's ever know how blessed they really are? I know it's the hardest job in the world, but I wish I could instill in every Mom the feeling I have of knowing I will not have that privilege. If they could know that pain, they would probably feel much better about their responsibilities. I simple trip to the grocery store. And, I sigh as I drive home. I wonder what little curly head is asking her Mommy now?
Will Mom's ever know how blessed they really are? I know it's the hardest job in the world, but I wish I could instill in every Mom the feeling I have of knowing I will not have that privilege. If they could know that pain, they would probably feel much better about their responsibilities. I simple trip to the grocery store. And, I sigh as I drive home. I wonder what little curly head is asking her Mommy now?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Why is church so hard sometimes?
You know, the last thing you would think is that when you are infertile, you sometimes dread being in church. Doesn't that sound terrible? For me, it was sometimes in the past because I had to watch all those little perfect families coming in and checking their cute little children into the children's classes. Or, the dreaded baby dedications with Mom and Dad beaming and a little adorable infant curiously reaching toward the pastor as he prays for them could always send me into tears. But, today, it was the sermon topic.
Our pastor is teaching in Exodus. Right now, it is the 10 Commandments. Should not be so tough, right? Today was Exodus 20:4-6. It talks about generational curses. The whole sermon was admonishing parents to be the right influence on their children. It was an excellent teaching. I am sure all the parents and grandparents in the room had a lot to chew on as they left the building. But, where does that leave Steve and I? We aren't responsible to pass on our faith or Christ following life to anyone. How sad is that? Isn't that pretty much what we were left here on the earth to do? Of course, I know that there is much more to life than raising children. I have to know that. I have no choice. But, this society will not let me forget that most people between 25 and 90 have children they focus their lives on. Every decision they make is centered on how it will affect their children. Well...at least the good parents live that way. But, not us. No, we can make all our decisions based on us. We get to be selfish. Good for us. We are sick of being selfish, to be completely honest with you. But, again, we have no choice.
I started thinking about it today. I guess we are all an influence on someone. I work in a Middle School. I am sure I influence one or two students as I go along. Is it the same? Not really. But, it is something. I have a Bible Study I lead so I guess I influence them, too. I have to comfort myself with that. Nothing is the same as having your own children to raise, love and watch grow. It just isn't. And, don't try to convince me otherwise. As I listened to that sermon I wondered, would we be better people if we knew that we had children watching us? Everyone says becoming a parent completely changes you for the better. I will never know.
I would be completely blown away if one Sunday my pastor actually spoke to couples who don't have children. What are we supposed to do? What is God saying to us? How do we process the verse that says that children are a gift from God and know we don't have that? No one addresses us. We are a silent, invisible group. We sit in churches all over the world Sunday after Sunday wondering if we will ever be heard or noticed.
Thank God I know he notices. He gets my pain. He loves me anyway. I love him anyway. It just really would be nice to pass that on to someone else, that's all.
Our pastor is teaching in Exodus. Right now, it is the 10 Commandments. Should not be so tough, right? Today was Exodus 20:4-6. It talks about generational curses. The whole sermon was admonishing parents to be the right influence on their children. It was an excellent teaching. I am sure all the parents and grandparents in the room had a lot to chew on as they left the building. But, where does that leave Steve and I? We aren't responsible to pass on our faith or Christ following life to anyone. How sad is that? Isn't that pretty much what we were left here on the earth to do? Of course, I know that there is much more to life than raising children. I have to know that. I have no choice. But, this society will not let me forget that most people between 25 and 90 have children they focus their lives on. Every decision they make is centered on how it will affect their children. Well...at least the good parents live that way. But, not us. No, we can make all our decisions based on us. We get to be selfish. Good for us. We are sick of being selfish, to be completely honest with you. But, again, we have no choice.
I started thinking about it today. I guess we are all an influence on someone. I work in a Middle School. I am sure I influence one or two students as I go along. Is it the same? Not really. But, it is something. I have a Bible Study I lead so I guess I influence them, too. I have to comfort myself with that. Nothing is the same as having your own children to raise, love and watch grow. It just isn't. And, don't try to convince me otherwise. As I listened to that sermon I wondered, would we be better people if we knew that we had children watching us? Everyone says becoming a parent completely changes you for the better. I will never know.
I would be completely blown away if one Sunday my pastor actually spoke to couples who don't have children. What are we supposed to do? What is God saying to us? How do we process the verse that says that children are a gift from God and know we don't have that? No one addresses us. We are a silent, invisible group. We sit in churches all over the world Sunday after Sunday wondering if we will ever be heard or noticed.
Thank God I know he notices. He gets my pain. He loves me anyway. I love him anyway. It just really would be nice to pass that on to someone else, that's all.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
I have spent a lot of time in self-evalution...after all...a life without that is not worth living. At 42, soon to be 43, I feel like I have learned a lot about life and it's up's and down's. I don't have all the answers. But, I decided to start my blog to process what I am going through every single day. How do you live in this society that is centered around children when you can't have one? That is the question that I am spending my time trying to answer these days.
My husband, Steve, and I never planned to be in this place. We never expected to be put in this position. But, here we are. We have good careers. We love each other. But, we had this goal of sharing the adventure of parenthood. And, that is a goal that illusive and unatainable. Not because we haven't tried. We have been through hell and high water to get there. I just didn't pan out for us. We tried foreign adoption...that cost us money and didn't work out. We tried adoption of embryos and implantation of those babies, but that didn't work out either. We have exhausted our options, energy and ideas over the last 12 years. And now, we have to face a life without a child. How do you form a family of 2? That is the ultimate question.
Today, we put our nursery in the attic. Over the course of the last 12 years, we have aqcuired everything necessary to set up the perfect nursery, if there is such a thing. We had all the equipment, books, stuffed animals, and space for a nursery to be set up. We had the walls painted, the amenities collected, (such as sheets, blankets, quilts and paintings that matched our theme for our Noah's Ark nursery. We had it all...but a child. That part seems to be impossible for us. After we spent Christmas sitting in our home drained of all hope because we found out on the 18th we weren't pregnant, we finally decided it was time to put the nursery away. I told Steve I couldn't look at it any more.
But, when he put it all away today and I went to vacuumm the empty room, I had no idea the feeling that would leave in my gut. I know, I am supposed to trust God. I do. We know that he has a plan, and we are trying to follow that plan. We just have no idea what to do next. When you spend years trying to find a way to create children, and those attempts turn out to be futile, what do you do after that? When the nursery goes in the attic, where do you put your hopes? What dreams do you create for the two of you in your old age?
Today is the beginning of a "do over." Remember those? When you were a kid and you played a game and no one could figure out what the call should have been, you just did a "do over"? That is my life. A "do over"? When we go to make a play, what will we get this time? That remains to be seen. But, we do know that we will not have a nursery in the back of our home waiting for a child. That is done. And, that is the symbol of what is to come. Hope for something different? Something that involves the two of us being close and undistracted. That could be something really special, right?
The first day of the rest of my life started with the crib being put in the attic. How about yours?
My husband, Steve, and I never planned to be in this place. We never expected to be put in this position. But, here we are. We have good careers. We love each other. But, we had this goal of sharing the adventure of parenthood. And, that is a goal that illusive and unatainable. Not because we haven't tried. We have been through hell and high water to get there. I just didn't pan out for us. We tried foreign adoption...that cost us money and didn't work out. We tried adoption of embryos and implantation of those babies, but that didn't work out either. We have exhausted our options, energy and ideas over the last 12 years. And now, we have to face a life without a child. How do you form a family of 2? That is the ultimate question.
Today, we put our nursery in the attic. Over the course of the last 12 years, we have aqcuired everything necessary to set up the perfect nursery, if there is such a thing. We had all the equipment, books, stuffed animals, and space for a nursery to be set up. We had the walls painted, the amenities collected, (such as sheets, blankets, quilts and paintings that matched our theme for our Noah's Ark nursery. We had it all...but a child. That part seems to be impossible for us. After we spent Christmas sitting in our home drained of all hope because we found out on the 18th we weren't pregnant, we finally decided it was time to put the nursery away. I told Steve I couldn't look at it any more.
But, when he put it all away today and I went to vacuumm the empty room, I had no idea the feeling that would leave in my gut. I know, I am supposed to trust God. I do. We know that he has a plan, and we are trying to follow that plan. We just have no idea what to do next. When you spend years trying to find a way to create children, and those attempts turn out to be futile, what do you do after that? When the nursery goes in the attic, where do you put your hopes? What dreams do you create for the two of you in your old age?
Today is the beginning of a "do over." Remember those? When you were a kid and you played a game and no one could figure out what the call should have been, you just did a "do over"? That is my life. A "do over"? When we go to make a play, what will we get this time? That remains to be seen. But, we do know that we will not have a nursery in the back of our home waiting for a child. That is done. And, that is the symbol of what is to come. Hope for something different? Something that involves the two of us being close and undistracted. That could be something really special, right?
The first day of the rest of my life started with the crib being put in the attic. How about yours?
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