Waiting

I know there is no such thing as coincidence in the life of a Christ Follower. Several sermons and things I have come across in my quiet times have been about waiting lately. Like that isn't one lesson I have been taught in excrutiating detail in my life! I am usually such a patient person. Really. It is one thing I got from my Dad. As a teacher, I had classes that were full of students that could never behaviorally make it in a "regular" classroom. I believe one year I was dubbed "The Saint" by many of the teachers at my school. They were some difficult students! But, I loved them and had infinite patience with them. I have no problem waiting in lines...something that drives my husband bananas.

However, when it comes to waiting on life's next step, I have not found that to be something that I don't do so well. When everyone else was married, but I was still single, I wasn't too good at that. I have a trait I inherited from Mom that wants to get things done. The amount of work I have put into trying to be a parent is staggering when I think about it. I remember the first time I got the packet to begin the process of foreign adoption. I had already done research about which agency to adopt with. Then, I get this paperwork...overwhelming! I cried. It was so complicated. But, I filled it out. I made the phone calls. I worked at it. I wasn't really waiting. I was doing.

When that fell through and we decided to adopt embryos, again, I did research, I filled out paperwork, I made phone calls, I wrote e-mails, I organized a garage sale, (to raise money) I worked at it. I wasn't really waiting. I was doing.

Somewhere in the middle of all that doing, I suddenly realized that I wasn't able to move any further. We had the embryos. They were waiting a few miles away for us. But, we had no way to pay for the expensive medical procedures. So, I was really upset. At least this time, in the process of waiting, I turned where I should have more often. I prayed to God. I begged him to take away the ache or give me something to help. I remember that our Pastor reminds us repeatedly that the Bible has answers to everything. Okay. Really? To my infertility? Fine. I proceeded to sit down at my computer and research every woman I could find who dealt with this in the Bible. Many, many hours, days and months later, I found myself with a 170 page Bible study, and a changed heart. God used my pain to teach me more about him, trust, and waiting.

Our Pastor said something last weekend that really struck me. Our impatience is really a lack of trust. Ouch. Yep. If I really trust God, I won't mind waiting on him. Because, in the end I know that he will come up with something immeasurably better than I am capable of.

So, here I am in this stage of our journey. We know nothing more about the possible adoption. We have to continue our daily routine and life goes on. Each day brings more contentment with the life we have right now. And, that is a good thing. Another thing the Pastor said was "Waiting time is not wasted time." Aha. Now, I start to see it.

All this time of waiting. The disappointments, the heartache and the confusion. It wasn't wasted time. God has been creating something new in me. I look back at who I was 5 years ago and the woman who writes this right now is NOT that woman any more. I am not worried about the situation that we are waiting for. I know that God is in control. And, this time, I am not saying that with my mouth but trying to work out some deal behind the scenes. I truly trust he knows what he is doing. I don't know why he would bring this possibility into our lives just to have it be nothing any more than I know why he led us to adopt embryos and lose all of them, never to get pregnant. But, I do know that he is using that time. I have so much less impatience now. Conversely, I have so much more trust in him. I have my relationship with Jesus. That is something that I was missing for so many messed up years of my life. I knew I had a deep hole in my soul that needed something. I tried every solution in the book. Nothing worked until I found this. Now that I have that, no matter what else happens, I am at peace. I have my questions. I have my moments. I am human. I am beginning to come out on the other side of this darkness that has been in our lives for the last year and realize that God was using that time, too. It had purpose, as painful and hard as it has been. He wanted me to be closer to and trust him more. It worked. I do. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I have the person who does as my best friend. I can rest in that. And, I can wait with the expectation that he has something amazing in mind.

Hope or Fear?

My life has been at peace. Oh, there have been questions, and pain and occasional heartache, but I learned to turn it all over to God and be content with the life He has planned for us, without children. We are 43 after all. All of my friends are watching their nests empty. It won't be too long until I will watch them start to become grandparents. Here we are, facing whether or not God wants us to stay where we are or attempt to do what it takes to adopt two little ones. Do we dare hope? So much hope has been destroyed time and time again in this journey. It makes it very difficult to even think something actually could work out for us. It never has no matter how much we tried. I was starting to believe that God's message to me was that our infertility was his plan and that he would use me to minister to other women suffering from infertility. I still can and will, no matter what happens. I will never, ever be able to forget how this hurts. This ache that you feel and the anguish that it causes, I will always remember that. So, I can still love, encourage and minister to other women who go through that. I am just so confused about what God is trying to do with my life. So is my husband. We have always wondered what God is trying to teach us through this. We learned a lot about each other and how supportive we can be and how we will persevere in this commitment to each other. We learned to trust God, even when there are no answers and nothing makes sense. We learned to love each other when the hurt is so great that you sincerely believe you could die of a broken heart. I learned to advocate for us. That silent minority that sits in our church pews and hurts desperately every time the pastor talks about family and parenting. We learned that the miracle of God is not rescuing you from your pain, but holding you in his arms all the way through it.

So, infertility has grown our relationship and our character. I have said before and totally mean it...I am thankful we had to go through it. Isn't that crazy? But, I would not be the woman I am today if I hadn't. I would not know God the way I do if he didn't bring me through this. My husband and I would not have the relationship we have today if we hadn't gone through it together. That has been our reality and we were beginning to feel pretty okay with that.

What do we do now? We are both scared. Scared we don't have any time to prepare for this. Scared the court system will be broken and somehow return the children to a home that wasn't fit for them in the first place. Scared that we will begin to try to make this work and have another door slammed in our faces. Scared that it will all work and we will suddenly find ourselves parents and have no idea what we are doing, no finances to support it, or find out we made a mistake. We have a lot of fears. I am reminded of I John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear... Fear comes from Satan, not God. IF this is God's will and he works out all the many obstacles that are in the way for this to truly happen, I am sure we will fall in love with those children. And, that will rid us of all the fears that we have. Besides, we know that God is in control. Another thing we learned in the last 13 years of infertility. He is able to do anything, and through him, so are we. That includes handling the disappointment of another failed attempt to become parents. That is my hope right now.