Family reunion

Wow, it's been a long time since I blogged! Of course, my last post was about waiting and that is exactly what we are still doing. The court system in it's infinite wisdom decided to give the biological mother of the children we might adopt 90 more days to fulfill the requirements that she didn't do for the last 10 months. So, we continue to wait.

I just returned from a family reunion. Every other year, my Dad's brother and 3 sisters and their families get together somewhere during the summer and have a short vacation. This year it was at Gulf Shores Alabama. They were all over Facebook talking about going to the beach. Funny for me, since I live on the beach. For us, it was simply a time to go be with family.

I believe that there were around 55 people there or so. We were missing one of my cousins (because she is very pregnant and her doctor wouldn't let her travel). It is a big family. All of my cousins seem to have no problem having whatever children they want. Most of them have at least 3. The ones who have less than 3 just got started. Heck, one of them just got married three years ago and she already has 2.

I would love to say that I have progressed enough to never have any difficult feelings at this gathering. I love seeing everyone and this family and it's closeness is one of the reasons I have so desperately wanted a family of my own. But, there are moments as I look around at everyone's children that my reality hits me once again. There they are with theirs and here I am with nothing. Ouch. I am one of the oldest cousins. My cousins that are in the same age range have children getting ready to graduate from high school and in college. One is even a step-grandparent.

Why is it that picture time seems to be the biggest reminder? When they get the little families together to take a picture, no one ever seems to think to ask Steve and I for a picture. We just aren't considered a family yet. I guess we never will be if we remain childless. No one means anything by it. I know that. At least a couple of my Aunts asked about the adoption possibilities. But, not one of my cousins asked me how that was going or how we are doing after losing all our embryos last year and all chances of getting pregnant. My cousin's wife did. God bless her! I really think it is just that there is no way they can get what we have been through in the last year.

My brother has a little girl of his own and a stepson now. We all stayed together in a condo. Every morning, the first little face I saw was my grinning adorable 10 month old niece. As I watched how my sister in law had to miss a lot of the activities and how this little person has taken over their lives, I ached again. I haven't felt that ache in a long time. Yes, I know a child completely changes your life. I know my sister in law was very upset her vacation didn't go the way she had hoped because my niece's schedule got in the way. I would give anything for that problem. The first morning I woke up here to silence and no little smiling face and giggle, it was downright depressing. Why oh why Lord do all my cousins seem to have as many children as they want, but not us? Why do we have to bear this burden? And, why is it that some of those very people who have the children are actually upset by what they do to their lives? They don't get it like I do. They just got the children they asked for and don't appreciate what a precious miracle that is. To hear someone complain about how hard it is to raise a teenager or what a hassle a baby's schedule can be for a new Mom just tears me up. I'd give anything for that. Anything.

Family is wonderful. I wouldn't trade the one I have for anything. Both my mother's and my father's families are close and have a great time together. Who can say that? I am very blessed. Spending time with them is a reminder, once again, how the family continues to grow everywhere but in my home. The legend and the traditions will be passed down everywhere but here. I continue to have it easier than all my cousins who have to sacrifice for their children. And I can't stand it. How many more family gatherings will I attend as a family of 2? For the rest of my life? How many more family pictures will I be passed aside because, after all, I have no children and that is what it is all about, anyway?

One of the mornings that I was having a particularly hard time with all of this, I opened my devotional book to that day's and when I saw the scripture I thought, "You have got to be kidding me!" It was 1 Samuel and the story of Hannah. The devotional book is on Patience. That day's point was that we have to be patient for God to do what He knows is right in His time. I knew God was speaking directly to me about how I was feeling. It does no good for me to feel sorry for myself. In the end, I am happy for my cousins and my brother. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. God loves me and I have to be patient. He knows how bad this hurts me and how difficult these family gatherings can be. I should be glad I have this family. I love my cousins kids. They are awesome. I really love my nephew and niece, big time. I do have things to be grateful for when it comes to family. And, that is what I am going to focus on. Not on what I am missing. Then I can look forward to the next time we get to be together.